for everything that has been happening in my life right now,
i tried. i really did try my hardest.
but no matter what i do, for however long i do,
i still am not getting things right.
maybe i'm trying too hard.
maybe no matter how hard i try,
i was not meant to be good enough.
i'm sorry for everything.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
it's been long since i've updated.
1 week of holidays left.
and most of it would be burnt by work as usual.
oh wells.
will update here again soon i hope.
random thoughts:
hollow.
does it mean like an empty vessel, which makes a loud noise when struck?
shallow.
does it mean the lack of depth in whatever it is referring to?
no one likes a hypocrite.
even if they are one themselves.
1 week of holidays left.
and most of it would be burnt by work as usual.
oh wells.
will update here again soon i hope.
random thoughts:
hollow.
does it mean like an empty vessel, which makes a loud noise when struck?
shallow.
does it mean the lack of depth in whatever it is referring to?
no one likes a hypocrite.
even if they are one themselves.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
what i have done or will be doing this holiday:
1) Work
2) PPCDL Course
3) Final Year Project
4) Time with Family and Friends
5) Reading (finally, have got the time to do that!)
6) A teeny weeny bit of NPAP
7) Other NPCC Unit/Area matters
8) NYAA diary (i really should stop procrastinating)
9) studying for 2 theory tests... ...
overall, i'm mostly busy with work.
still undergoing the training; 2nd week at it.
pretty bad at all this. the whole new thing.
but oh wells. it's a fresh start.
it's not really something i'm good at, and i almost gave up on the second day.
really didnt expect to have to learn so much just for this job.
but i'll get the hang of it i guess.
i'm appreciating the whole new experience nevertheless.
received our results.
i had already been mentally prepared to get not-so-fantastic results.
but what i hadn't anticipate was the sheer diappointment i would still feel.
i can't complain much;
i had allowed myself to be far too distracted by that, in which have resulted in this outcome.
what i'm most worried about is how i'm going to juggle work with studies and npcc when year3 starts.
but i believe in myself . (i have to)
all i need is time management and self discipline.
because i need work, for money and for myself to be kept busy.
busy enough to lose focus of an aspect of life that isn't worth my time.
so that i can shift my focus back on studies.
and also hope to be more involved in sjc this year.
in fact, with work, i feel more alive;
it feels great to be actively learning something entirely new.
it's been quite a while since i've gone exploring new environments.
it's pretty refreshing to be working in new places with new faces.
so in less than a month's time, we're going to be year 3.
over this long holiday, i've managed to find that bit of focus and determination for studies back.
obviously, i'm going to say this:
I AM GOING TO WORK MUCH MUCH HARDER FOR THE LAST YEAR IN POLY NOW.
gotta redeem myself!
i'm ready to fight the war! (the enemy: myself)
Me vs My very own Laziness/Procrastinations
aites, shall be on my way to work now.
till then~
life is about choices and sacrifices.
1) Work
2) PPCDL Course
3) Final Year Project
4) Time with Family and Friends
5) Reading (finally, have got the time to do that!)
6) A teeny weeny bit of NPAP
7) Other NPCC Unit/Area matters
8) NYAA diary (i really should stop procrastinating)
9) studying for 2 theory tests... ...
overall, i'm mostly busy with work.
still undergoing the training; 2nd week at it.
pretty bad at all this. the whole new thing.
but oh wells. it's a fresh start.
it's not really something i'm good at, and i almost gave up on the second day.
really didnt expect to have to learn so much just for this job.
but i'll get the hang of it i guess.
i'm appreciating the whole new experience nevertheless.
received our results.
i had already been mentally prepared to get not-so-fantastic results.
but what i hadn't anticipate was the sheer diappointment i would still feel.
i can't complain much;
i had allowed myself to be far too distracted by that, in which have resulted in this outcome.
what i'm most worried about is how i'm going to juggle work with studies and npcc when year3 starts.
but i believe in myself . (i have to)
all i need is time management and self discipline.
because i need work, for money and for myself to be kept busy.
busy enough to lose focus of an aspect of life that isn't worth my time.
so that i can shift my focus back on studies.
and also hope to be more involved in sjc this year.
in fact, with work, i feel more alive;
it feels great to be actively learning something entirely new.
it's been quite a while since i've gone exploring new environments.
it's pretty refreshing to be working in new places with new faces.
so in less than a month's time, we're going to be year 3.
over this long holiday, i've managed to find that bit of focus and determination for studies back.
obviously, i'm going to say this:
I AM GOING TO WORK MUCH MUCH HARDER FOR THE LAST YEAR IN POLY NOW.
gotta redeem myself!
i'm ready to fight the war! (the enemy: myself)
Me vs My very own Laziness/Procrastinations
aites, shall be on my way to work now.
till then~
life is about choices and sacrifices.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
ah what the heck.
who am i kidding with.
achievements, status, looks etc all don't matter,
because when you truly love someone,
your heart wouldn't see any of these.
it's true indeed that no matter how good you are,
there will always be people better than you.
but these people who are better than you will not make a difference,
when all you could see is the person you've given your heart to.
do you know that i'm still holding on to our words.
fcking foolish.
to be holding on to words that you have long forgotten.
jolene, you're an idiot. stupid.
i know i'm not good enough.
no matter how many times people would convince me otherwise,
telling me things like i deserve better,
the truth is,
loving someone should not be about whether or not we deserve each other.
i really am done trying to find an explanation.
i am finally just going to accept the fact that i lost you. because you have found someone better.
it has not been easy to let this sink in.
i already have my closure to this.
but why are all these thoughts still lingering in my head?
not now, not when my paper's in less than 12 hours' time.
i must accept this, really put this down, and walk away.
move on.
i really must do this now.
note to self: you're not coming back.
who am i kidding with.
achievements, status, looks etc all don't matter,
because when you truly love someone,
your heart wouldn't see any of these.
it's true indeed that no matter how good you are,
there will always be people better than you.
but these people who are better than you will not make a difference,
when all you could see is the person you've given your heart to.
do you know that i'm still holding on to our words.
fcking foolish.
to be holding on to words that you have long forgotten.
jolene, you're an idiot. stupid.
i know i'm not good enough.
no matter how many times people would convince me otherwise,
telling me things like i deserve better,
the truth is,
loving someone should not be about whether or not we deserve each other.
i really am done trying to find an explanation.
i am finally just going to accept the fact that i lost you. because you have found someone better.
it has not been easy to let this sink in.
i already have my closure to this.
but why are all these thoughts still lingering in my head?
not now, not when my paper's in less than 12 hours' time.
i must accept this, really put this down, and walk away.
move on.
i really must do this now.
note to self: you're not coming back.
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