the 4 full days of training was... just really indescribable.
estimated 12 hours in hta everyday.
so much things were going in my head.

like i said, it comes in waves.
one minute i feel fine,
the next i'm feeling the wrath of it all.

when the final training of the year ended yesterday,
reality reared its ugly head again,
and i knew i said it's fine,
but i can't help but feel the immense pain as i witness it happening right before me.
i should never have let my guard down, and went unprotected.
because i became vulnerable,
and thus, i allowed this to strike me in the heart so easily.
i let you into my heart,
you stayed there for a while,
then you created havoc there,
and you left, leaving behind a mess- your destruction.

so, it's the end of 2010.
looking back from the first training of the year all the way to the end,
so much has changed.
i never thought things can ever turn out this way.
if you were to tell me at the start of 2010 that things were going to become like this right now,
i would have laughed and find it amusing.
but it did. it did happen and it's not funny.
it's freaking heartwrenching.
but today morning, i tried to fight it,
and i think i'm getting better now because it didnt hurt so much,
or that i may be already too numbed by now.
either way, i thank all my friends for being there for me,
it's definitely them which is helping me get better.
i really appreciate everyone's support, care and concern.

oh wells.
happy new year everyone.

"the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good and starts to hurt."

- grey's anatomy season 4 (episode 2)


. was like a drug to me, i was addicted, hooked, dependent to it.
and now, i'm going through the withdrawls that comes with its disappearance in my life.
it seems almost too hard for me to get by to the end of each passing day.
i can't do my work. and i know it's due very soon.
i can't eat my meals without having difficulties in swallowing every bite.
and i know that my body needs the food, but i just cant find the appetite to eat any more than a few mouthfuls.
i can't sleep without waking up in the middle of the night to check if things have changed overnight, with the hope that you have changed your mind, or that this has all just been a bad dream.
and i know that i need my rest, but i just can't seem to fall back into sleep once i wake up. because the emptiness is so overwhelming, i just can't seem to calm down my panicked heart.
but here i am, exhausted, at the end of the week.
nevertheless, i survived.
without this addiction of . , i know my life is going to be so, so, so much more healthier, as soon as i get over all these withdrawl symptoms.
i just have to believe that's how it's going to be.

it's just unbelievably painful, you know?
never thought i would experience this.

dont worry, i'm just using a metaphor. i'm not referring to a real drug or glue-sniffing or whatever.


i'm getting better now.
i just need to be patient. cause time will heal this.
(:

there's a saying... the girl always knows.


knowing is one thing,
confirming is another.
without the confirmation of what we think it may be,
we'd sometimes like to think that we're thinking too much, or being oversensitive, or that our assumptions are flawed.
and at other times, we're pretty sure we're right but we choose to live in self-denial, thinking that what we know are all wrong.
but most of the time,
at the end of the day, we still would like to hear the truth from the people themselves, to confirm everything that we may know.
we have the right to the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
so that there's no need to allow for people to spend most of their time wondering and doubting and trying to figure out things that they'll never know without the truth that you withhold from them.

and i know that i may never know the truth to this,
in which, i have to painfully accept the fact we may not always know the reason behind everything.

all that's left to do now is to just... let go.

time and tide.
tide and time.

you find yourself choking, drowning.

when, like the pulling back of the water,
you'd feel a sense of relief, at some point of time, as you thought to yourself it was all over.
you thought to yourself: it's going to be okay now.

and then, like another wave that hits you just as you get back on your feet,
you'd feel as though you're falling apart all over again.
you'd feel the force of pain and agony, the devestation once more.

the next thing you know, the water draws back once again.

and it goes on.

but,

i know that with time, i'm gonna find back that strength to pick myself up, and run as far up into land as possible, before the water hits me again.
when that happens, i'd be standing safe on high land that overlooks the ocean, and i'd know that: this time, it's over for sure.

"it comes in waves... there's a lull and then another wave hits you."

resolution.
i no longer know what to expect in 2011.

i just can't believe it.

sometimes, i wish that you'd just fight for this.


damn it, is it really so hard?
isnt this worthy for you to fight than to just give up?
too busy? too many other problems surfacing all the time? too lazy?
too tired? can't be bothered?
excuses after excuses.
you're not the only who's busy. you're not the only who has other problems to settle.
if it's really this important to you, no matter how busy, you'll put in the effort to make time.
i've been waiting for so long already.
it's not just today, or yesterday. it's been for too long.
keeping quiet doesnt mean it does not exist.
hoping that you'd stop sweeping every problem under the carpet and pretending it never did happen.
wondering when you'd take the initiative to solve things for once.
i was just waiting.






but it looks like it's all in vain.










my final initiative; to solve the last problem we'll ever have.










and although the answer may lay before us now,
i still hope for it to change.
still awaiting for you to take the initiative.
i'm done being the one making the first moves in situations.

sigh. why bother blogging it here? it's not like it'll ever be made known.
lately, this blog had become a final resting place to my heartfelt problems.
it's the only place that will always be there for me to confide in.
after all, i dont want to waste other people's time in my rants.
i'm not worthy of your time.

take a deep breath...





hold it there...









come on jolene....



you can do this... ...



keep it all inside you... ... ...



















and exhale.



close your eyes and think of how beautiful the world can be.




and trust that the beauty of the world will help you in this journey of life.









i really know i can do it. i believe in myself.
all we need is our determination and focus.

take a gamble, take a bet, live your life with no regrets.

i had forgotten how beautiful a rainbow is.

just. simply. breathtaking.

seeing one today by the kitchen window made me think how long it has been since i had last seen a rainbow.
today's rainbow was a really short one, barely made a curve, but the colours were rich and was just brilliant in the fading sky.

less than 8 hours to the first paper.
i'm not prepared.
i havent even covered all the topics...
what has happened to me this term?
had i taken in too many commitments this semester?
i hope i can pull through.
nonetheless, i've found back my focus.
it's gonna be a better term when the new year starts.

back to last minute revision!
5 more days to end of term! and the festive year-end holidays!
year2010 reflection & year2011 resolution soon!

this semester has been such a killer.
i'm looking forward to the end of it.

i'm doing my best.
but it's not good enough.
so i guess the way i'm doing this is wrong,
which is why i should just change the way i am to suit you.

in moments like this,
my self-esteem has reached an all time low.
and the only comfort i can seek is through blogging.
i dont want someone who listens just because they are expected to,
but i want someone who wants to listen genuinely because they care.

insecurities.

what are the implications when all of this comes to light?

i have got so much to do.
and a lot to catch up.
and i only have myself to blame for slacking in the past month which resulted to me lagging far behind in school.
BUT i shall work hard now. time to get running!

before i continue with schoolwork once more,

i would like to close another chapter of my life- Area 7 ATC 2010.
it has definitely been a longer than expected journey.
adding on to the 'timeline' of our ATC planning stage as mentioned in my older post,
the clash of camp dates for Area 1&7, as well as other events that all seem to like the dates too,
these have posed quite a few challenges for us all.
roadblocks are inevitable in the planning and execution of events, aint it?
i guess it would be weird to have a camp that is completely smooth sailing.
it is our flexibility and quick response, and our ability to overcome the obstacles that make a camp a great success.
so, it was my first time having ATC and STC in the same campsite, and our area had gotten it at bahru! doubly challenging.
and to add on to that, our camp was cut short to 2days 1night.
nevertheless, i was very determined to ensure that the success of our camp will not be affected by all these limitations posed to us.
no fun shall be compromised!
and so the camp was executed, and i must say, i'm really truly grateful to have such a SUPER team.
i enjoyed working with all, together as one, to make this camp a success.
this atc planning has been through a lot, but i'm glad we've pulled through it.
i have learned a lot from this camp, especially from all the mistakes i've done in which have helped me grow even more.
an invaluable experience gained.
i hope both instructors and campers have learned as much as i did,
and maybe, after all that we have been through, we'll all emerge as Superheroes, in some way.


anyway, i have to pen this down.
there's this blog with many interesting posts that i can't help but reflect with its profound feelings.
after all, the blog consisted of so many provocative thoughts, right? hehe.
here's one which i gave some serious thought about: looking up to someone.
how do we know if one is worth looking up to, with utmost admiration and respect?
i believe that it is to our own perception.
every individual has aspects that is worthy of admiration,
so, it doesn't matter who looks up to who, as long as you know why you're looking up to your 'idol', because it's the strengths that we wish to have it ourselves which is why it's important that we identify them and learn&master from our awesome role model.
and if you happen to be someone else's role model, then help them gain that strength they've been admiring about!
it has always been a pleasure to teach or share. so there's no need to fear to have people looking up to you.
it doesn't mean if someone looks up to you, then you're not allowed to admire that same person's strengths too.
the joys of sharing is rewarding. i'm sure you're aware of that. heh (:
and, if you feel stressed, the cause of it is not because of people having expectations of you when they look up to you, but mostly it's your very own created standard you wish to uphold. so, stop stressing/pressurizing yourself!
i'm just randomly sharing my own opinions about this topic anyway. so yep. lol.


ooooh. it's almost 3am already.
okayyyyy. i think i'm done with blogging for today.
haha. what a long post -.-

it's either i'm too busy to blog,
or too tired that all i want to do in my free time is sleep.

soooo. i'll blog when i finally master the skills of time management.
hopefully, soon. because there is barely any time to lose now.

it's been awhile since we landed back on homeland.

i wish words could describe every feeling i've felt during the trip.
it is such a beautiful chapter of our lives.

it feels so magical;
it feels surrealistic to have it happened now that we're all back to reality in singapore.

i remember only have finished packing my luggage just before i left the house at 5.05am.
the feeling of going to the airport was pretty much just reluctant- to leave so much things unfinished, and to embark on the unknown.

i remember the journey to shanxi was rather tiring, with planes that lack of any entertainment services and delays in the 2nd flight.

i remember how the team reacted to the "road rage" as we carried on our jounrney by bus.
i remember the difficulties i had to write my name down on the piece of paper as the bus shook violently and constantly to the uneven-ness of the road.

i remember getting hit by the coldness as we stepped into dayaodi village for the first time.
it was midnight by then. the place was so quiet and dark, with little lights to lead us the way to our room.

i remember cuddling up every night, shivering and chattering, wishing i was sweating it out back in singapore.

i remember waking up every morning to see faces of the team, the villagers, the dog and the kitten.

i remember seeing 2 shooting stars on different nights.
a beautiful line drawn across the star-filled night sky.

i remember the 4 mountains we climbed within one day.

i remember us trying out the street food which was awesome.

i remember having our first bath, after 7 days.

i remember the sunrise-
us squeezing into the van.
us waiting for the sun to rise.
wait for it... wait for it -
and there, the first glimspe of the sun, just above the mountains.
i wish emo clique was there to witness it too.

and oh, how can i not remember that 80 percent of our conversation topics consisted of shit.
because, how can we possibly forget the experience of using the mao che (toilet) there.
everyday, we'd be updating each other whether or not we have pooped, and how much of it.

i remember the meals that the villagers prepared for us-
frozen hands warming up to the hard boiled eggs for breakfast.
i remember all the toasts we had made.
"chi de hao, chi de bao"

i remember the digging of trenches, shovelling tons of soil, washing of pebbles.

i remember all the small little tiny details that put a smile on my face, i'm grateful for-
the people who have helped me one way or the other throughout this trip.

i remember dancing and singing under stars, out in the cold, rehearsing for our performances.

i remember rushing the project late into the night,
us insisting that we couldnt sleep and convincing them to let us help,
talking to the villagers about life, translating to sarina as much as i myself could understand,
freezing in the coldness with hands numbed by the soaked gloves worn,
with arms weak from all the washing of pebbles,
fascinated by the thick fog that has descended upon the village.
then, at 2am, a group of us were there having cup noodles in the fog.
it was the last night, but it was too foggy to star gaze in the village for the last time.

i remember boarding the bus with heavy hearts, hesistant to leave.

all these experience our team share will always be remembered.



hmmm.
i think no matter how great i describe it here, you have got to experience it yourself to understand how truly awesome it has been.

i'm truly cherish this opportunity given to us.
really thankful to everyone who is a part of making all these happen.



a new semester - starting next week.
plenty has changed.
can you feeling the anxiety of it?

there's so much to say, but...

my hasty and random blog post.

luaggage packing!!!
noooooooooo. i dont have a nice thick warm jacket ):
hmmm. doing laundry there or not.
if we can do laundry there, why can't we bathe when we're there???
how many sets of clothings to bringgg.
oh noooo. i dont have enough long sleeves!
what phone to bringgg. how to use the phone card there?
i should have asked my mother for the adapter before she left for america -.-
ahhhh.
where to start?!!!


atc planning!!!

the rhythm of it:
start planning... then...
too many having their exams clash... ...
request for a change of date...
got a selection of dates...
propose new dates to instructors...
new date confirmed...
no news for awhile... ...
syf syf syf... ... ...
start planning again!!!
then... exams... pause awhile again...
then planning starts once again!!!
but then, i'm going overseas and will be absent for 2 more weeks... ... ...

hurrhurr.
okok. will do my best. so sorry for making all to wait. i'm gonna do better this time.
FOCUS. DRIVE. DETERMINATION.
YAY :D

i'm going to ignore all distractions.

it a gloomy day.
how to do laundry like that =/

hmmm.

exams are over. finally.

but i'm feeling another kind of stress now.
my holidays are going to be packed again.
week 1: atc preparations + overseas community service preparations
week 2: community service at shanxi, china
week 3: community service at shanxi, china
week 4: npap trainer selection, atc preparations

going camp resilience for kayaking later in the morning.
oops. not much sleep tonight i guess.

hmmm.

i have to reflect more.
i have to buck up.
i'm not doing enough lately.
where's my drive and focus.
i dont wanna disappoint anyone anymore.
i've been neglecting so many aspects of my life.
i'm gonna pick up the slack now.

so pressed for time.



i'm guilty.
for taking so many things for granted.
i'm sorry.

life undergoing restructuring-
i'll do better. i'll do my best.

dear blog,
right at this moment,
please allow me to spam you with random thoughts.

Thought #1:
normally, when i see a good looking person, i would say she's pretty;
it's what i see inside one's heart in which i would then say: beautiful.

Thought #2:
my pillars of strength. where are they.
it's no wonder i break down and fall apart all too often these days.
they are like the glue that hold me altogether.

Thought #3:
accounts paper - started to study from 2300 to 0430. then from 0645 till the end of paper at 1112.
it's like 10 hours of brain cells slaughter.
and although i'm feeling the effects of last minute studying,
(the fatigue, the disappointment and sense of hopelessness when i realised i had overestimated the time i thought i had to complete the syallabus- in other words, i did not finish studying what was required of us to)
i. just. can't. sleep.

Thought #4:
i need new songs pretty badly.

Thought #5:
looking back at the past,
some memories made me smile,
and some made me cringe.

Thought #6:
Are things going too fast that we're missing something along the way?
Are we focusing too much on what's at the finishing line that we have missed the small tiny details during the journey?

Thought #7:
*likes* carmen's tumblr.

Thought #8:
A random old Facebook Status: -
"The list of Things To Do doesnt seem to stop growing longer. Yet, I live in self denial thinking this YOG break is more than enough time to complete it. Shoo, Procrastination. Come, Motivation."
which looks like it's not only going to be applicable at that period, but until i decide to do something about it.

Thought #9:
Is about Thought #2.

Thought #10:
I miss them.
I hope they are doing fine, be it in poly, university, working, be it local or overseas.

Thought #11:
Fatigue is getting to me.
Thank you blog for letting me 'pen' down my thoughts.
Thank you surviving readers for being so patient with me.

Goodnight.

Hi,

i'm bored.
it's almost the end of the semester.
just 2 more papers and we'll be wrapping up our 3rd Semester in Poly.
i realised i have been absent from this blog for one whole term.
and i wonder who would still come here expecting me to have updated it.
i wouldnt be surprised if most have given up checking up on it.

oh wells.
this exam is long and draggy.
who says having a cramped-up exam schedule is bad?
a prolonged exam period is torturous when all you want to do is to hurry get it done and over with.
but apparently, it's not possible when the school has spreaded all the papers across the 3 weeks.
tsk, jolene jolene, why are you so complainy.
previously, the blog post was with regards to Mid-Sem Test. 6 papers in 1 week
now this post about 6 modules in 3 weeks-
the papers are pretty far apart from each other that i am actually experiencing holiday mood already.
seeing most of my friends having already completed their exams makes me so very jealous.
i'm already slacking despite only having completed 4 modules.
then again, i have been rather slack this whole semester.

YOG Study break was pretty meaningless to me.
too far away from exams to be studying hard,
too guilty to be playing too hard.
neither here nor there.

hm.
cant wait to get to the finishing line of this diploma journey.
sadly, i'm only, almost, halfway there.



superficial?
befriending someone for some motive?
hypocritical?
do non-judgemental friends exist?

dont pretend.

sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, SATURDAY.
seven consecutive days.
you can find me at singapore indoor stadium.

SYF Opening Ceremony 2010

nervous T_T

while having a heart to heart talk just before logistics paper,
ruiting talked about the art of flying a kite.

if you pull the string too hard,
it will break away.

if you let loose too fast,
it will come spiralling down.

and so, once you learn the skill of when to pull and when to let go,

then that is when you will see it fly.

no more.

words have left me.
i cant think of the right words to say.

what now?
what am i supposed to do?

rights.
i've been awoken by a call from my mother to close the windows should it rain just now at 8.48am.
2 hours after finally falling asleep at around 6 plus in the morning.

i give up trying to get any more sleep.
why do i always blog during exam period?
why is it that my thoughts only come at this time.
studying = thinking too too much; beyond the lecture notes?

anyway,
i'm here to offically declare that jolene is going to focus on mugging in the last 2 days before MST starts.
my sudden motivation to focus is so compelling that i have to blog it out!
i'm glad my determination finally came.
i'm grateful to the fact that i'm able to pick myself up fast enough.
YES. no more drifting away in other-than-lecture-notes thoughts!

GAMBATTE to those chiong-ing too!

hello, i'm awake now, not because i'm mugging,
but because there's just a lot of things to reflect about.
i'm getting cold feet and fast, irregular heartbeat.
so much thoughts flying in my head.

this is not a good time to be distracted.
i am very determined to settle this situation once and for all.
no more dragging it. i'm waiting for the verdict.
i dont want anymore meaningless attempts.

it's soon to be 5am. i'm still too agitated to sleep.
i'm wasting very very precious resting hours blogging.
this MST is going to be a killer.
6 papers in 5 days.
yet so many modules i have yet to revise.

sigh. nothing else to blog.
maybe i'll just use my notes as an attempt to comfort myself and make me sleepier.
so little hours before daybreak.
i thought i had just came home from dinner.
and now it's soon to be breakfast.

time is passing way too fast...
way, wayyy too fast for me to comprehend.

"okay, time to study..."
picks up her notes and starts reading...
... shuts her eyelids for a break... and...
"EH? SO LATE already?! when did i fall asleep?!"

lol. okok. i tried to study -.-"
so many attempts. but none showed success; all proved futile.

i need to study.
pick up the slack.
i have to do better than this - playing itouch, sleeping, being late for class.
what i've been doing for the past 4 weeks was a waste of time.
i dont want to regret not having fought harder.
stop going through the motion jolene!
jolene shall get her motivation back :D

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Preview: Season Finale :D :D :D

Jay Chou - 烟花易冷

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

first week of school.

ended with a record high fever.

but i'm fine~
falling sick isn't the biggest of my problems.
though i wish i could have enjoyed my saturday after the 6 weeks of gruelling attachment...


WARNING.
the subsequent ramblings are totally a bore and should only be read if you are that bored.

survivor heroes vs villains has sort of rekindled my passion to watch the series. there were times where i wished i could be part of the tribe playing the games. i wish camps had team building games like that, with mud and huge obstacles. or cool rewards such as helicopter rides and great food after days of coconut meals. but here's the thing, you dont have to participate survivor to experience what survivor is like, the real life out there IS good enough. just not in the wilderness way. watching survivor is like watching worklife, people fighting to get to the top. another thing i know for sure is: i'd probably be ousted pretty early, because no one wants the weakest link in their tribe. BUT then again! no one wants to keep the strongest player around either. if you're a threat to their goal, out you go~ so, i've come to a conclusion that, to be a power player, you must learn how to lie, backstab, sacrifice, be hypocritical and form alliances.
i also read a suggestion posted online: instead of having a season of All-Stars Survivor, why not have an Anti-AllStars Survivor where all the first persons eliminated in each season come back and fight it out. after all, they should be given a second chance for us to get to know them better. you never know how interesting their personality may get unless they have more time on the show.

return. revenge. redemption.

okay, i'm pretty lame to be talking about a reality tv show here in my blog.
well, this is what you get after staying home on such a beautiful sunday recuperating.
something i've learnt, when you're trying to make up for something,
there's a point or limit that says enough is enough.
doing more than that would just be overdoing it.
and when someone sees that as too much unnecessary effort, it gets seriously annoying.
it takes time for things to get better. that's why they call it Recovery Time.
like a toilet bowl, no matter what you do and how much effort you put in, if you dont give it time for it to accept all that crap you have just thrown at it, it's going to get choked.
it just doesnt do you any good if patience is not on your side.
you dont expect things to turn out the way you want them to be when you rush.
i want a little less complications in my life.

TRUST. NOBODY.

NOT EVEN YOURSELF.


there's a saying, treat people the way you want them to treat you.
but, what happens when you treat people nice, trust them, be there for them, let them vent anger on you, yet in return, you get nothing back except being shoved one side when they are all healed and have got back to their feet.
and maybe, they might even wish to backstab you at some point of time. out of powerhungry-ness, out of envy, out of thrill, out of i-dont-know-what.
the most ironic thing is that they came to rant and complain about how others have treated them in the first place.
it hurts to feel used. like when they have come to you in hopes that you would provide them some comfort, and then leave you, when they no longer need you.

yes, it's true that when you're angry, you say hurtful and offensive things.
but you know you don't mean it.

it's okay, i'll withdraw from all that ranting.
i'll be strong enough.



but anyway, i'm not all that upset.

i'm glad i have friends who are there for me.
they are there for me when i need them.
and come to me even when i don't go to them.
regardless of whether you need them or not, they are ALWAYS there.
it doesn't always mean being physically there though. because our lives have begun to get too busy for everyone to gather and meet up.
still, i'm grateful. and i can't show enough gratitude towards them.
because, how can i possibly take them for granted.
it's like a precious rare gem which you can't just happen to stumble upon and find every other day.
i am really really thankful. so so much.

there's a difference between avoiding and giving up.


i give up, because i know it's hopeless.
giving up isn't always bad.
we should let go so that we can embrace the better.

bye.

i can't wait for attachment to end.
i promise i'll cherish my classmates even more from now on.
and,
i have to work doubly hard for the rest of my modules.

because.
with people in your workplace turning your life upside down,
no matter how hard you try,
doing-okay is never going to happen. passing itp would be a challenge even.
i wish for everyone to get an A.
but other's mindset is: to COMPETE for the A.
which also means, people want to be the only one that look so damn good,
it doesnt matter how ugly people would like to sabotage us to look.

why waste the energy to fight a war. is it really necessary.
when instead, we could be pursuing happiness, bringing joy to others.

stop fabricating and ruining people's life.

jolene, you're pathetic.
why are you blogging at 2am in the morning.


tskkk.


ah. there, silence.


i'm looking for a place that's commonly depicted in movies.

a grass field,
a neat tree on a small hill,
a gentle breeze passing by.


i am choking on the haze.
it's so thick that i can barely smell anything else but the haze.
haha. okay, i'm a bit exaggerating on that.
but so far, i really smell nothing but haze.
oh the particles that create this haze are irritating my eyes.

JOLENE HAS DECLARED THAT SHE SHALL NOT SLEEP TILL SHE IS DONE WITH ECONS NOTES-MAKING.

my notebook right now, has full of words slanting; lines randomly going downwards and upwards.

a random thought.
the word i've encountered most often (so far) this year is:
complacency.
be it me or the people around.
who wouldnt be? when we're all comfortable with where we are now.
or where we once were.
where were our constant reminders to be humble. reminders that we regarded as something of significance; always telling ourselves never to let our guard down.
looking back at oursleves at another perspective, i realised we dont have anything so THAT good to be complacent about.
thus, we must work harder.
we must never let our comfortable living get the best out of us.
remember total defence? be vigilant, always!~


i must work harder.
i should stop lazing around in my comfort zone.


oh yes, indeed,
jolene may just be beyond hope.


ramblingggggg.
okay. i've been reflecting quite a bit.
the only problem about reflecting right now is that:
I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR EXAMS.

urgh. i know 2 papers dont seem a lot.
BUT I SHOULDN'T BE COMPLACENT RIGHT?
RIGHT!
THERE MAY JUST BE TOO LITTLE TIME LEFT,
since i've got trainings, kayaking and visiting to do during this exam period eh.
lol.

thus,
as long winded as i am,
i have declared no sleep till i finish the daunting notes.
okay, i'm talking too much. and wasting everyone's time by going about in a circle.
in other words, i'm trying to stall time so that i wont have to get back to my notes that's going to happen all too soon.
but oh wells, i've ran out of things to say. haha.

till we meet again;

THIS IS SO CLASSIC. haha.
this shall be a random post to add to my archives of memories.

over the weeks since the start of 2010,
issues have been popping up.
and they have started to accumulate.
like i said,
i wish to sleep through 2010.
it's a long and difficult road to completing this list of things.

expectations.
too high makes the fall hurt much more.

JOLENE. MUST. STUDY.

why must autocad and avs paper come before chinese new year.
that brat brother refuses to help out in the chores.
great.
loads of housework and homework to do before chinese new year.
revival of my not-so-shiny boots shall be done while i mug for econs test that is so going to happen on tuesday.
jolene shall resist the temptation to hit the bed whenever she's feeling lazy.

and oh,
2 HUGE PRESENTATIONS ON MONDAY.


sheet.

when an opportunity comes knocking on your door,
don't just ignore it.
ANSWER IMMEDIATELY!!!
because, the chance will not be there forever.
so, lately, i feel the urge of join-all-you-want, for the fear that i'll let a single rare opportunity to slip.
i don't wanna let go of anything that may never come back to us once it's gone.

but anyway,
i haven't been really responsible lately.
I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING IN MY WORK.
since the start of this term,
i've been flopping on the table during lessons.
i'll gain back my motivation and study hard during chinese new year.
i'm a little excited about ITP this coming march.
i hope the company i'm attached to will be a great experience for me.

woots.
nose peeling from HRC. haha.
roar roar roar.
may i have the permission to log out, and switch off the computer, sir.

earth is spinning too quickly.
i'm about to throw up.


if slow is fast,
then why ask me not to take too long.

we learn,
but are we really applying what we have learnt correctly.

autocad bores me.
not in a mood to start emc brochure either...
oh wells.
a bit of procrastination won't kill.
or will it?




Ne-Yo - Mad Lyrics

mmm, she's staring at me i'm sitting wondering what she's thinking,
mmm, nobody's talking, cause talking just turns into screaming,
ohh, and now as im yellin' over her, she yellin' over me,
all that that means, is neither of us is listening,
and what's even worse is that we don't even remember why we're fighting.

so both of us are mad for, nothing
fighting for, nothing
crying for, nothing (woah)
but we wont let it go for, nothing
no not for, nothing
there should be, nothing
to a love like what we got, oh baby

i know sometimes its gonna rain,
but baby can we make up now cause i can't sleep through the pain.
girl i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me (oh no, no, no).

and it gets me upset girl when you're constantly accusing,
asking questions like you already know
we're fighting this war, baby when both of us are losing
this ain't the way that love is supposed to go
what happened to workin' it out?
we fall into this place where
you ain't backin' down
and i ain't backin' down
so what the hell do we do now?

it's all for, nothing
fighting for, nothing
crying for, nothing (woah)
but we wont let it go for, nothing
no not for, nothing
there should be, nothing
to a love like what we got, oh baby

i know sometimes its gonna rain,
but baby can we make up now cause i can't sleep through the pain.
girl i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me (oh no, no, no).

oh baby, this love ain't gon' be perfect
and just how good its gonna be
we can fuss and we can fight
long as everything's all right between us
before we go to sleep
baby we're gonna be...

ohhhhh

i know sometimes its gonna rain,
but baby can we make up now cause i can't sleep through the pain.
girl i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me (oh no, no, no).

a whisper.where?everywhere? to gossip or to tell someone sweet nothings?

eyeshifts.lookout?judgemental? afraid that the person you're backstabbing might just appear and overhear? oh so much guilt for you. i'll be happy if you even have a conscience.
grudge-holder.forgive?forget? or bear it forever?

a smile.real?fake? i don't know. we'll never know.

friendship.genuine?hypocrite? how do we spot them? are we one of them, if we look inside hard enough?
competition.healthy?unhealthy? when someone does well, are you happy for them? or are you pissed off by the fact that they are better than you?
words.keeping?worthless? can we actually take back words we gave?

paranoia.truth?overreacting? what if it's not? what if you're really not thinking too much. what if it's true?
thoughts.share?keep? maybe i won't say it cause i have no idea what's on my mind too, believe it or not.
decision.indecisive?stubborn? fickle minded. i change my mind on almost everything. what is wrong with me.
future.aim?bleak? have we decided where to go or are we just walking to wherever the path leads? moving on to where?
reality.accept?reject?

self-denial.

this mess. i've got some tidying up to do.

hello 2010.

oh you seem like a scary year.
i feel like sleeping through the year.
and wake up to a day where i've no worries or regrets.



oooh~
remember those years when boy bands used to dominate the charts?


An empty street, an empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone, the rooms are getting smaller.
I wonder how, I wonder why, I wonder where they are
The days we had, the songs we sang together.(oh yeah)

And all my love, I'm holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far

[Chorus:]
So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love.
All the seas from coast to coast
To find the place I Love The Most
Where the fields are green, to see you once again... my love.

I try to read, I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking. (oh no)
I wonder how, I wonder why, I wonder where they are
The days we had, the songs we sang together.(oh yeah)

And all my love, I'm holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love.
All the seas from coast to coast
To find the place I Love The Most
Where the fields are green, to see you once again...

To hold you in my arms
To promise you my love
To tell you from the heart
You're all I'm thinking of

Reaching for the love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love.
All the seas from coast to coast
To find the place I Love The Most
Where the fields are green, to see you once again... my love.

Say a little prayer (my sweet love)
Dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue (woah yeah), to see you once again my love. (oh my love)
All the seas from coast to coast
To find the place I Love The Most
Where the fields are green, to see you once again... My Love.