blogging blogging blogging. so that it won't be rotting rotting rotting. sigh.

my life's boring. hmmm. training. swearing in wasnt as grand as last year and the year before. there aint any parade or anything. argh. everything's so small scale this year. for the refreshment right, the bread looked 'good'. ahaha. rights sec ones? laughs. then met some guy that maluated me again can. humph. just like in atc. angry. >.< then when we came back from serangoon sec, i was feeling disappointed. i hated doing tat. confiscating aint some nice game. but i did tat three times today. and ya. i was giving advices to the wall... oh well. never mind about tat.

wanted to have a meal with my squadmates. but i lost my wallet. so i didnt eat my dinnner at all. drank one small coke and i was off. to meet somebody. i could have just gone alone to compass. i did tat before. sigh. cause i knew you wouldn't like it.
hmmm. syf tomorrow. i shall charge my camcorder battery. i will take all the pretty pictures of my squadmates(: i love you guys. and will treasure you people. just another year more. sigh.

tomorrow's training will be like my first day in npcc. i'm gonna work hard now. off to study my chemistry.

passing out parade. was so terrible. well. the parade was nice. but i wasn't feeling so good. used bel's camera to snap pictures of our seniors. sigh. i'm gonna miss them. but wonder if they'll miss us too. ah wells. so proud of my squadmates anyway today. yay(: done blogging. lalala. I'M OFF!!!

i'm a happy girl.

first day of school was all right. time table was changed. but lessons are still the same old boring stuff, aint it? then during recess, was when all the syf people in our squad headed for the national stadium. i was on the verge of breaking down can. i felt so left out. i had no where to go in classes. and i wanted to do footdrills. still. i'm not going to regret the desicion tat i made.

sigh. don't wanna go school tomorrow. i don't wanna see the seniors pass out... yet. i'm like so happy for my squadmates. but i don't know why i just can't feel all tat excitement anymore. i told myself tat i would be happy regardless of all these posts... and i am. i really am. but why is there something telling me tat everything i had put in for these two years, was nothing but rubbish. teacher's day dance. cheerleading competition. pop skit'04. campfire perfomance'05. vertical challenge. npdp'05. pop skit'05. horizon challenge. campcraft com. marksman. argh. all these sheet. nothing but rubbish.

can someone just make me feel at least one bit appreciated.

well. i know i'm not supposed to be blogging right now. i banned myself not to. cause this will be a really big distraction for my studies you see. ahaha. YET. i'm taking a so-called break from all tat amath homework to blog -_-"

hmmm. for the past few days, i couldn't sleep. i would roll around my whole bed and think bout some stuff. but now, i WANT to sleep also cannot. and most probably won't be sleeping at all tonight.

i'm gonna cut hair on tuesday with big bird. like finally(: but i guess i'll be left alone on monday, wednesday and friday. with those syf trainings tat most of my squadmates are busy-ing about. AND OH MY GOSH. my school shoe's still with bel, ever since that kayaking at atc. GREAT. -.-"

sigh.
so anyway. a message has been passed down tat we must photocopy our report book, tat darn result slip, to let mr pang see. and wat will my teacher officer think of me. sigh. i think he'd most probably take a look at it and rate me stupid. argh.

rights. everyone's complaining about school reopening. i'm no exception. humph. i don't wanna see some teacher. cause she'd always humilate me in front of the class. i know i'm the worst there okay. argh. 8 more hours before i step into the darn school once again. and i've still got tat emath project to do. and of course tat darn logarithms which made me sick... all tat. done before 8 hours' up.

AMAZING RACE(:



TEAM 10. winning runner up for the race. yay(: we rock.



funny faces with MERLION and tourist. (it's for our station task you see.)



ain't it yummy, mummy?


after the race.



PONG!


lalala.



the new additions to the family. you can realise it's starting to get real pinky over here.

if you can't see any screen, please refresh. and then. if it's lagging, just pause it and let it load finish first then, play it. ha. simple as tat(:

i love the piano melody in this song. oh my gosh. i want jay chou to be my piano teacher(: but anyway. this song is for you. just hope you tat you would cheer up soon. how could i be happy when i've seen you frowning. heard tat you've been crying. know tat you're collasping. sigh. i want to be there for you. to catch you as you fall. i want to take away all your frustrations and hide them beneth all those stuffed toys. those pink ones especially... because. mojo will always love kuku.

thanks for being there for me.

APPARENTLY. MY BLOG'S CLOSED FOR THE MOMENT. BUT THANKS FOR VISITING.
sigh. i didn't push him away. i just told him the truth. i wish i could disappear from this world. so perhaps you guys won't be this unhappy since i'm such a pain in everyone's arse. i'm sorry.

disappearing...

school's reopening soon. so i must start my studying. i won't blog so often anymore. it's time to finally catch up.
i don't get you. there's too much pain in seeing wat you've think of me. promise breaker... person pusher?! a flirt?!? or watever sheet you would comment of me. i guess i've changed into a totally different person i didn't even realise, until one day, you told me. JOLENE OUT.i gave you all till i have almost nothing left. i'm tired of guessing. can you just tell me how did i actually push you away?! did i physically push you or wat?! why can't you spit it to my face. why can't you tell me. wat for should we beat round the bush? i'm trying so hard to figure out wat tat statement meant. so final conclusion? i give up. i'm not going to read anymore blogs nor post any more entries. i'd rather pretend tat we are perfectly fine. LOVES(:
and. cuts ain't just cuts. you do know tat yourself. but i know. i'm childish. my level of maturity can't even be compared to a 8 year old kid.

watever i do will always make you unhappy. i tried to give you everything just to see you smile. i guess i am not able to give you wat you really want. cause only one person could do tat. but i didn't push anyone away...
rights. i shall blog about today.
i saw something. those bloody lines. i was hurt to see you do it. you once ask me why i did tat. but i do not have the rights to ask you the same. if i don't do wat i preached, then wat for should the other party listen to me.
went out with yue ying to get my new ez-link(: hmmm. then met karin, cynthia, atiqa and des. watched people play basketball. then bird and mouse went off for syf. afterwhich, cynthia and i went to visit her grandmother. but then. she was not at home. laughs. so she came to my house and watched dumb&dumber. haha. ate alot too. humph. all rights. i'm done with blogging. i practically wasted one day of my life doing nothing. sigh.
OH. SHE'S BACK(:

hmmm. i have discovered tat. WAITING is such a horrible thing! sigh. it's already past nine at night... but i can't concentrate with my studies. i miss you, baoyi.

hmmm. my mother said i'm not a good enough leader. i cannot lead. the power that was given to me, i took it for granted. i do not care for the welfare of others. i'm just so self-centered. oh well. with my ego so big. not accepting all the critism that was said. i'm a no good leader. everytime i would just wanna give up. i'll never fail to break down crying. i'm not strong enough to lead. wat to do. ha. my mother made me realise this mistake. and there are many other mistakes that i discovered all by myself. but i won't blog it all out. this ain't some kind of novel. -_-"

so anyway. all these tiny imperfections ain't going to bother me anymore. hmmm. supposed to meet big bird, papa, mama and kak for jogging today. but projects are such a chore always. humph. so went to bernice house today, at 10am, to do our chinese project. it was fun. goose, bernice, steffi, rebecca and i are going to rock for this presentation. but i was rather tired during the discussion. i didn't sleep much at all today. when i returned home from airport this morning, i began unpacking my stuff and all... and then. i slept at 0655. and woke up to amanda's call at 0845. hahas. and it was surprising that i am still so energetic yeah. ahaha. i miss atc suddenly. i miss area 7's team spirit. today, i dreamt about our area 7 games day. sjc will win lots of trophies this year. i hope. erm. going to meet my princess bel at chomp chomp soon... i'm gonna eat everything there. bleahx. i wanna go airport tomorrow to do my homework. should i? laughs. but i dont know what time's your flight. haha. lame. but i just can't wait to see you again.

i'm back. like finally.
apparently. when my plane touched down, it was stated 0008. so it's considered monday already.

it's like when i was leaving on wednesday tat 10am flight, i left my heart here and just flew over to there. my gosh. i didn't even enjoy myself there. why would anyone enjoy a holiday when she's being forced to go? and when all her friends are here. and when i've not touched my homework one bit. but anyway!! i must tell you guys. some might end up killing me when they find out wat i've bought for them. ha. it's really gonna make you guys strangle me. but what the heck. i think it's really cute for those FEW PRETTY GIRLS YEAH?! lalala. shall not elaborate much wat i did there though. disneyland wasn't much as exciting as i thought it would be... sigh. will upload the photos later. you guys must go take a look kaes.


read everyone's blog. somehow, i felt like i've missed out so much. really wanted to be there for you, mel. so sorry. hmmm.

oh well. it's almost 0300 now. i'm like so sad now. i was planning to leave all my unhappiness there, but then as i reflected upon my actions i did in the past, i brought home even more problems. i regret not being able to see my mistakes when i had the chance to change it. i'm a bad friend to everyone. sigh. so long already... when can i see you? did you know i was hoping that you would suddenly appear in the streets. or even hope tat you were staying at the same hotel as mine. sigh. you must be sleeping right now.

i was thinking in the plane. in the bus. in the hotel. and even at the restaurant till i lost my appetite.
tat i know i've broke this promise. cause if you realised, i was still an immature dumb-ass at that time when i made tat promise. but when i broke this vow of mine, i didn't know i'd not only given my word to her, but to everyone else?! i thought tat this promise was between us, but then suddenly i feel that the promise was somewat related to EVERYONE?! i gave it to tat darn person whom hurt me TWICE, which i came to realise that it wasn't worth. and when i broke it, i thought i had only let her down. it never came across my mind tat there was someone else too, whom i had let down. i did not know how important tat promise was. sigh. i don't have the right to hurt others. and i can't do anything about it now. but i just wanna say all these. cause it wouldn't stay within me. and. i'm sorry. i've kept it from you.

HELLO WORLD(:

now at changi airport. man. i love the free internet access over here. yay. you know wat. i'm bored. sigh. missing kuku(: she's having course now. humph. and then syf later.

hahas. called cynthia at 0855 just now. sorry to wake you up. just testing the free phones over here. and... it's working all right(: laughs. papa rocks lah kaes?

oh man. i'm rotting here. gonna do math in the plane. i'm so hardworking yeah. but guess wat. i forgot to bring my calculator!!! this is so lame. i know i'm crapping. just can't stop thinking of wat i'll be missing in singapore. haix. world cup? nah. it's you i'm missing... sigh.

from tomorrow onwards, i'll be out of your lives. HURRAY. jolene is gone. but it's such a pity that it'll only last for five pathetic days.

sigh. don't wanna go hongkong. not when there's homework to be done, things to worry about. but i guess people would be celebrating, for i will not be bothering you guys for this short period of time. or perhaps forever. if my plane ever crashes. so anyway, doubt people would miss me. i mean, why should they. i'm nothing but trouble. hmmm. i'm tired. i should finish my packing. another 12 hours before my flight... goodbye singapore.
i'll miss you. would you miss me? sigh. nah. you won't. hope tat you would take care of yourself when you're in hongkong too):
mojo away. 14-18 june.
kuku away. 17-20 june.

didn't know it was me who started the war. perhaps my blog's too offensive. but things, sometimes, are best, just left in the dark. but yeah. i am, still, the lousiest for english in comparison with you. sigh. i don't hate you. but i know you do. i will apologise now. yet i know that you won't accept it because this friendship ain't as important to you as it is to me.

i'm sorry. still.

went to bel's house to start on our physics project. christabel, amanda, yue ying and me. but it seemed like there's only three. without me.
it wasn't exactly tat productive. but we've got a rough idea of wat to do already. then we rushed off to buy some whipped cream before we took a bus to school. had this suprise birthday party for mr pang. awww. happy birthday, mr pang(: hope you like the facial they gave ya.

had a little chat with our ex-teacher.officer. before we continued our research for the project. at the library, we were an awful lot of noisy sjc people. so let's skip tat part to the macdonald's part where i ate twister fries while bel ate STRAIGHT fries. ha. see the difference in bel? tsk tsk. my princess(:

then, atiqa&des entertained me while waiting for some people to arrive(: had a so crappy time at sculpture park. i laughed and screamed. hmmm. they finally arrived like around 7 plus. then shopped for a box of ice-cream and went home.
i have never felt like crying out loud so much before. but wait. i've upset-ed more people. so i have no say in this. all their words have transformed into knifes and spears. each one causing me to bleed even more. you met them two today. i wished to go out with them so much. to go out with them once more would be my happiest yet wishful thinking. i can't. it's a fact. i'm just a loner.

oh man. you know how much meimei loves chouchou. oh wait. i mean big bird. laughs. just wanna express how much i love these bunch of primates for trying to cheer us up with their lame-ness(:

cynthia.
iryani.
atiqa.
des.
amanda.
mojojojo loves kuku.

i read you blog. i dont like the way you're posting. i'm asking you, really politely, to back off.

"i never knew jolene would be like tat" i'm not perfect all right. so why are you so harsh to me in your blog huh.

"until yesterday, then i knew the true story behind that pathetic fake side you bribed me with." i did not exaggerate or blow this whole sheet up. i do not need any sympathy from anyone. AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN BRIBERY. and how can i bribe peoole when there's no money or rewards are involved. you ought to check the dictionary.

then the later part of your post, made me realise how little trust you have in your friend, me. do some reflections for crying out loud. did you give me a chance to explain. NO. you did not. but she did. she asked for an explanation. and i hate myself for hurting her. but then came your blog entry which made me again so angry.

"i gave you a chance to explain it all to me. but you didnt. in fact, you even twisted the whole story round and round." i totally agree with the sentence after this. GOOD FRIENDS WOULD NEVER DO TAT. it has got nothing to do with you. your comments, hurt me. dont come running here, trying to put words into my mouth. i'd never change the facts. "i dont wanna hear your explanations. i dont wanna know anything" isnt tat wat you sms-ed me. so wat kind of story did i twist when i did not even get a chance to explain?!

stop it. it's really hurting me. to see it coming out straight from your mouth. a friend whom i trusted for years. yet. i have no rights to stop you from blogging your feelings. i am, afterall, not as perfect as you. i do not know as much as you. but i know that i am sure of what i'm doing. sigh. i have nothing else to say. maybe i should keep my comments to myself.

disappointed. disgusted.

i guess i've cool down now. sigh. had been a rough night. tried to sleep. but i ended up reflecting upon myself. my desicions are made clear. i'm no longer tat indecisive child. i know this fight can't continue forever. cause i've known you for years. we've shared our interest together. secrets and all. and even our passion for npcc together. can we still be friends? great pals like we've been all these while.

just go. just leave me and her alone. why are you doing this to her. i told you that you could push the blame all to me. not her. then WHY?! why now you have got to bring her into this. i had NO INTENTIONS to toy with her feelings. how could you say tat about ME?! so i'm the evil one now lah. do i look happy to hurt you?!

sigh. to the person whom i do not derserve.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

and. i thought you were my friend. yet, you took the side of the other before i could even explain myself. but. i have no excuse either. go hate me then.

went to police carnival. sigh. nothing's right. sat two times of that crazy surf thing. the ride was rather long compared to that of last year. it wasn't as scary. in fact, i even laughed at atiqa, who wanted to go to the toilet in the middle of the ride. and it was hilarious that des was screaming so happily. hmmm. i wanted to scream. but found no voice in me. the carnival's very much quieter this year. after our meal, we headed for home. i wanted my friends to be there so much. but please. do i even have friends. i'm just a selfish brat. it's my fault. it has never been yours.
the problem seemed to lie on me. the blame has always been pushed to me. but wat if this time, it ain't my fault. wat if just this one time, you're the one whose wrong and i'm right.. sigh. but for this thing to happen, i have only myself to blame. argh. stop this contradiction. just get straight to the point. you do not dislike me. you DETEST me. for causing you all these pain. you know i will only hate myself more. if you blame her for this. and whoever outsider who thinks they know everything, well. you do not know anything. i'm disappointed with you. i thought you were my friend. wait. do i have even a friend? rights. no one bothers listening. cynthia, atiqa and des were the only ones who bother listening from our side of the story.

all yours.
a brand new day. yep. it's all new. no programmes for me today. just left alone to study for another 6 hours before i can finally get to see what i have been waiting for. hmmm. so much homework. so much till i forgot which homework. laughs. wat stupidity. all right. off to start my work.
i'm nothing but a selfish ass. i don't deserve you.

sigh. i'm not worthy. you will hate me forever for causing you all these pain. but no matter how much you detest me and all, i'd still love you.
last day of LMSC course. it was quite all right with some funny activities in between. afterwhich, we left for compass to have our lunch. went places and all with different people. sigh. i just dont feel like blogging. dont ask me anything. just. just don't.

today's the second day of LMSC course. reached HTA at 0817. was late again. sat at the lecture room from 0900-1230, then had lunch before continuing from 1330-1600. it was so uncomfortable. wearing full u. posture. beret must be on the right lap. and the table and chair so tiny weeny. humph. and i was dozing off at the second half. laughs. but the games after tat were fun. played human untanglement. and oh my gosh. it's such a miracle that we could form a circle from tat. also had this twine game. we were the TWINE. hahas. so yeah. the guys were so gay. tsk. marched away with serangoon sec and punggol sec. i saw the SYF people. wanted to join so badly. it was so totally damn cool. i miss parading. then this year POP dont even have any big parade. dont like this school anymore. it's like so damn sad. sigh. i shall go polish boots now. sir says mine not shiny. scolded me. broke my heart. humph.

ARIES.
ARIES ARIES ARIES! THE BEST!
ARIES... THE BEST!
ARIES...
WHOOO!!!


guess wat. i'm back from camp. yay.


day one.
it was quite all right. the tracking to the campsite was shorter than last time. did our tent-pitching. i lost the ability to peg. hmmm... orienteering ruined my whole white nco shirt. it's seriously totally not wear-able. there are dark green blotches all over now. but the hornet's drill still so very the fun. and we used compass too! we are the PRO!!! laughs. pioneering was not really nice lah. i mean. i was like over there standing there doing nothing much... campfire prep was so quiet okay. in the end. we came up with only a few cheers. i used last year PARROT cheers. PARROT IS THE BEST GROUP OKAY! had night sentry too.

day two.
woke up. brush teeth. PT was quite tiring. there wasnt any cheers when we were doing our rounds. the hills were like so high. then ATF! whoo. the guys went up first. then the girls. oh my gosh. the line so high for wat. humph. maze was quite short. heard yue ying screaming from under. can you believe how loud is tat. hahas. bathe. eat. and oh ya. the guys right. left me to eat the rest of the food. so IF i gain weight right, it'll be their fault. lol. then KAYAKING. it was not as nice as last year one lah. kayak-ed with shah. he's so lame lah. wat stupid spider... humph. but the stunts sir showed us was so cool. hmmm. then washing the kayaking was another different story. i didn't carry much. but the guys did most of the physical work. lalala. i would help too if i had that kind of strenght and without a blister(thanks to pegging). then highlight of the day, CAMPFIRE!!! baoyi was so HONOURED to be sitting beside me. then dont know who go and ask me to go and scream lah. then when i go scream, i found myself the ONLY ONE THERE SCREAMING. SO EMBARRASSING CAN. humph. but well done for cecilia and that guy. they are really good emcees. then for pioneering right. i feel our group has the GREATEST improvement okay. tsk. we ROCK.

day three.
PTi/c were really good. this time round we did cheers. sir was right. PT was so much better with cheers. and let me see. area cleaning was YUCKS. then when we falling in right. i banged into joey sir, cut acrossed the ma'ams on the floor. and everyone was like WHOA. i thought i would surely kena punishment lah. tsk. but ya. heehee. then when sec2s finally came, we all begin our prize presentation. congrats to kong rui junior for being the best camper! we are so proud of you. are you proud of us too? we screamed like mad. on the way to jetty. we cheered NON-STOP. we never expect ourselves to have so much energy to cheer on continuously. even hill also still cheering. haha. but then ma'am ask us to stop and rest when we were reaching already. hmmm.


i miss Aries.
they are the best.
we had so much team spirit. just tat we dont show it. RIGHT?
laughs. whoa. such a long entry. see lah. i miss ubin!!!

i love AREA 7 ATC(:

it's barely 10 hours before atc starts. tell you wat. i'm still too lazy to even start packing my bag. heehee. my feets are feeling so sore furthermore. today at the shooting range, they made us stand there in such a enclosed area for two hours, and just to shoot 5 mins of our lives away. marksman competition. is over.

OFF TO CAMP.
0700, 02/06/06 - 1330, 04/06/06