my motivation is like a car, without petrol in its tank.
so no matter how hard and how many times i step on the accelerator,
the car just...
does
not
move.

no drive.



first paper done. but it was really horribly done.
i didn't study much.
i practically read through the notes instead of really studying it.
and hours before the paper last night,
i still couldn't find the urgency to really sit down to start revising it.
so for the first time, for a long time, i went into the classroom without feeling nervous or desperate for more time to study.
what's worse, i just couldn't bring myself to feel remotely worried for the fact that i barely was able to answer half of the questions on that paper.
it's not that i do not care about my grades now.
it's just that. i ran out of fuel. to be driven by motivation at the moment.


you used to be my source of motivation.
well, one of the sources.
but anyway, the main thing is that you're gone now.

and the more i think about this thing about having someone as their pillar of strength,
the more i find myself so naive.
the things i once believed in were so ridiculously stupid. (more specifically, the ones from you)
it's not that i think these things i believed does not exist,
it just does not exist in you, not yet.
i still have faith in the things in life that are incredibly precious and unbelievably hard to find,
and i definitely won't find them in you, not at this point of time in your life,
now that i know who you truly are.
as you can see, i don't regard you as hopelessly messed up.
i have faith in you. i have confidence in you that you can do better than this.
so when you're done changing, or when you've decided to finally grow up,
i hope you'll learn a thing or two in life.
one of it is that you can't just play with people's feelings without caring what it'll do to them.
and that when you say you're serious, please understand what it really means to be serious.
i've a whole lot of direct, straightforward comments to you.
but i'm just going to keep them to myself.
i doubt all that i've said here would ever get to you.
so no point wasting my time typing this message long and well elaborated when it's never going to reach you.
besides, you would find whatever i say here now to be revolting.
i can imagine your attitude towards this as you read on.
probably cause of your ego or pride or whatever.
you'll be like: whatever la. let her think what she wants.
and then i'll be perceived as the person who doesn't have a clue what's really going on, and that i am making myself look really dumb and stupid talking 'nonsense that is utterly exaggerated/untrue'. am i right? laughs.
but in any way, i'm not sure if i would be able to witness that change from you, even if you eventually do become who you said you're changing to be.
it won't matter much to me anymore if i'm not there to see all those changes because i'm not pinning any hopes on that.
at least i'm grateful i was there for a brief moment to be there with you in the process of some of the changes.
although i wouldn't be there to see the outcome of all that, i still cherish the opportunity.
please do take care of yourself and all the best in your future endeavours.


p.s. i'm not saying as though i'm perfect. cause i am obviously not. i'm flawed. i'm just ranting here for the sake of getting rid of the remaining feelings of being hurt by all that has happened recently. so that i can stop feeling sad (as you can see, the wave just came crashing into me again randomly) and get back on track!



all right.
i'll be on my way~
gotta fuel up and get ready for an awesome drag race!
the finish line: end of poly year2!
i'm ready to focus now!




chiong ahhh.



happy valentine's day.