i just don't have the answer for you.
when you are actually sincere in asking me what's wrong, i'll tell you.
but saying things like that is how you really wish to show how much i mean to you,
then you shouldn't be bothered asking.
i'm not worthy to be a friend to care about.
i know now so i'm just going to leave so that i wouldnt be a burden to any of you.
i promise i won't be an irritant to you all.
i'm sorry things had turned out this way.

i'm not good.
and i'll accept everything that you have said about me.
perhaps it's true, i'm that horrible monster you have described me to be.
it's a great wake up call, honestly.

i know this post may potentially make things worse,
so i'll understand if you decide to hate me after all these.



everything just seems to be firing at me at all sides.
i can't take it.
i've got to let it out somewhere.
there's really a list of things that's bothering me.
i just needed to say it here, the most hurtful one of all.
i know not many would read here anyway.
and after this, i'm not going to talk about it much anymore.
i shall put this matter to rest.
there's no point explaining myself.
cause the rest of it shall not matter.



-------------------------------------------------------
to my loved ones,

i sincerely apologise for letting you down.
i'm truly sorry for hurting you.
i really don't know what to do.
just give me some more time to make it up to you.
i know you are disappointed at me, but i'm not giving up on our friendship.
i wont, because people like you deserve to be cherished for a lifetime.
although many times i feel as though i'm undeserving of such great people, i'm still thankful for having them in my life.
really truly grateful.



sigh.


i just wish for the earth to stop spinning.
i just wish for time to stop.




so close,
it's a shame i'd let all that i've once held so tight slip away at this near end point.
my goals, my dreams, my second chance.

finally, the holidays are here.


i'm just going to update what i have been doing and will be doing at this period of time.
(trying to keep track of my life since this blog has somewhat become a timeline of happenings in my life)


what i did the past 10 days:

1) MICE Presentation (Friday)
handicapped group. it was really tedious. only had 1 week to complete it while other classes had 2 weeks to do it. also the only group to have 4 people. but i'm grateful we survived it. slept only 3 hours the night before.

2) Cadet Leader Camp (Friday - Saturday)
because of MICE presentation, barely had time to prepare full u and lesson plans. and there were multiple sets of clothes + shoes/boots to bring to school along with my laptop cause i had to rush from SP to SJC. oh wells. Camp went all right. don't wanna elaborate much here. slept 2 hours that friday night. left earlier in the afternoon. went home to bathe and caught some sleep before starting the midnight mugging session (elaborated in the next point)

3) Officially the start of intense mugging (Sunday)
Overnight mugging at airport. in which i ended up sleeping (& drooling on my notes seriously) 3 hours out of the 7 hours there. lol.

4) 5 module papers (Monday - Friday)
worst mid-semester test ever. serious. and because i had only begun mugging for my papers a day before each module, i had really bad sleeping hours & patterns.

5) 3 day/night work shifts (Friday - Sunday)
on the very day we ended our mst, went off to work after having lunch with clique. kinda dead tired for friday and saturday night shifts. to sum up, it's a rollercoaster ride whenever i work. ups and downs in every shift.


and now, the start of yet another busy week.


list of things i'm going to do this 5 weeks:
1) Errandssssssssssssssssssssssssss
2) Final Year Project meetings & assignments
3) Workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
4) Gatherings with Primary school, Secondary school (squadmates & emos), Poly, SYF people
5) Kayaking at ATC(s)
6) Area 7 ATC/STC Recee & IPC
7) Helping out in LMSC
8) Unit Camp
9) Execution of Area 7 ATC/STC 2011
10) Drill competiton preparations (hopefully can find time to go down help)


that's all i can think of for now.
hmmm. it's past 3 in the morning.
less than 5 hours of sleeping left. sad.
pretty dead tired from the past 3 day/night of workshifts.

oh wells.
goodnight people.

what's the matter with......
sometimes i don't know how to deal with all that.
really, i can't handle all these at once.

i don't know how i would be able to go through this period of time without the help of a few great people in my life.
i must think of something to show my appreciation to have them in my life.
i shall find time this holidays to do so.

i would type more but i shouldn't.
cause i still have 4 more papers to go.
and i'll continue after my last paper.
i just needed to pen down those few thoughts first.

i think it's better that i go back to my old self back when i was in year1.
i feel that i've grown into an utterly disappointing person over the months.

sigh.

patience, jolene, patience.

it's getting a little bit harder to juggle with school, work, friends and cca.
i have 7 days a week. (duh)
every week, 5 days of school with 3 day/night of work shifts.
my weekday can often stretch from 8.30am to 12.30am (of the next day).
reaching home and settling down at almost 2am, i would seem be too restless to do my homework (if there is any pending)
and there can be lessons to catch the next morning too.
npcc stuff is climbing to its peak now.
but i haven't been doing alot and contributing as much as i used to.
i also have a few other miscelleneous things that need commitment as well.
and lately, i've been depending on others to pick up my slack,
which i feel odd allowing that.

i'm not complaining.
just wanna describe my new found lifestyle in year3 of poly life.
but i gotta pick up my pace now.
i really should stop being lazy. really, i have been nothing but plain L-A-Z-Y.
seriously jolene, you should start to see through your priorities in life.
you set it, you show it.

finished watching survivor redemption island last night.
such a bittersweet finale.
i'm pretty affected to see how awesome friendships forged in the season had to end that way.
it's like... all those adventures in the island that have brought everyone together, would then gradually dissipate as the game comes to an end.
but i don't want it to end! )':
nevertheless, i'm so glad to see Boston Rob winning!!!
great respect for his gameplay that has stretched over an unbelievably time of almost 10 years already!
oh my, a decade.
anyway, pardon me for being so random but i just wanna say that
i so looove the couple Rob & Amber~


so anyway, more about my life.
i have been losing alot things in this period of my life.
you, laptop screen that cracked, file and organiser, itouch that took a dip in seawater, handphone.
and that's not all.
i guess i've lost my patience too.

i really should stop being so reckless.



random thoughts:

Thought #1
everyone has a story to tell.

Thought #2
we can't have it all. we can't always expect to get everything that we want.

Thought #3
when we gain something, we tend to lose something.

Thought #4
how can there be a hero when there's no villian?

Thought #5
the thing is, who wouldn't want to be the hero instead?

Thought #6
i should be more careful in life now.

Thought #7
i shall fade away, slowly now.

uh huh. yep.

so it's almost 4am and i shall hurry.
almost too often, we find ourselves fighting against time.
yes and sometimes, we do what we can to outrun so many.
no, it does not mean we should cheat- thinking you can get more time
by taking shortcuts all the time.

in just a moment, week3 of this semester would have been long gone.
and soon enough, we'll realize so much has passed us by.
things that may have stayed. and things that may have gone or faded.
i wished i had more time to grasp it all a little tighter.

this post shall be evidence of my insignificant thoughts that may simply be nothing but an oxymoron.

... and already, it's past 4 in the morning as i say goodnight.