ah what the heck.
who am i kidding with.
achievements, status, looks etc all don't matter,
because when you truly love someone,
your heart wouldn't see any of these.
it's true indeed that no matter how good you are,
there will always be people better than you.
but these people who are better than you will not make a difference,
when all you could see is the person you've given your heart to.
do you know that i'm still holding on to our words.
fcking foolish.
to be holding on to words that you have long forgotten.
jolene, you're an idiot. stupid.
i know i'm not good enough.
no matter how many times people would convince me otherwise,
telling me things like i deserve better,
the truth is,
loving someone should not be about whether or not we deserve each other.
i really am done trying to find an explanation.
i am finally just going to accept the fact that i lost you. because you have found someone better.
it has not been easy to let this sink in.
i already have my closure to this.
but why are all these thoughts still lingering in my head?
not now, not when my paper's in less than 12 hours' time.
i must accept this, really put this down, and walk away.
move on.
i really must do this now.
note to self: you're not coming back.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I feel like I'm drowning in ice water
My lips have turned a shade of blue
I'm frozen with this fear
That you may disappear
Before I've given you the truth
I'll bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here (I'm dying here)
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I'll bleed my heart out just for you
I've always dreamed about this moment
And now it's here and I've turned to stone
I stand here petrified
As I look you in your eyes
My head is ready to explode
I'll bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I'll bleed my heart out just for you
And it's all here in
Black and white and red
For all the times
Those words were never said
I'll bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I'll bleed my heart out just for you
I'll bleed my heart out just for you.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
remember the times we'd imagine what we'll be, how we'll be, and where we'll be in future?
back then, everything was perfect,
and i'd never imagined things would have come to this stage.
it's funny how in 2 months, we had become worlds apart.
and as we reach and pass each ones we used to discuss,
do you look back and realise every little occasion we had been anticipating have gone nothing like the way we had described it'll be?
it turn out the almost total opposite of what we had envisaged of it to be.
our expectations in life = not what it seems in reality.
you're stranger than a stranger.
goodnight.
back then, everything was perfect,
and i'd never imagined things would have come to this stage.
it's funny how in 2 months, we had become worlds apart.
and as we reach and pass each ones we used to discuss,
do you look back and realise every little occasion we had been anticipating have gone nothing like the way we had described it'll be?
it turn out the almost total opposite of what we had envisaged of it to be.
our expectations in life = not what it seems in reality.
you're stranger than a stranger.
goodnight.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
HEY THERE!
yeah you!
i know i havent been blogging much,
so... in order to prevent you from all the boredom,
you can now follow me on tumblr! (if you really need something to read)
though i don't talk anything about my life there, it's still nice to read posts by other strangers/friends.
http://stalking-inprogress.tumblr.com/
ciao! (:
yeah you!
i know i havent been blogging much,
so... in order to prevent you from all the boredom,
you can now follow me on tumblr! (if you really need something to read)
though i don't talk anything about my life there, it's still nice to read posts by other strangers/friends.
http://stalking-inprogress.tumblr.com/
ciao! (:
Monday, February 14, 2011
my motivation is like a car, without petrol in its tank.
so no matter how hard and how many times i step on the accelerator,
the car just...
does
not
move.
no drive.
first paper done. but it was really horribly done.
i didn't study much.
i practically read through the notes instead of really studying it.
and hours before the paper last night,
i still couldn't find the urgency to really sit down to start revising it.
so for the first time, for a long time, i went into the classroom without feeling nervous or desperate for more time to study.
what's worse, i just couldn't bring myself to feel remotely worried for the fact that i barely was able to answer half of the questions on that paper.
it's not that i do not care about my grades now.
it's just that. i ran out of fuel. to be driven by motivation at the moment.
you used to be my source of motivation.
well, one of the sources.
but anyway, the main thing is that you're gone now.
and the more i think about this thing about having someone as their pillar of strength,
the more i find myself so naive.
the things i once believed in were so ridiculously stupid. (more specifically, the ones from you)
it's not that i think these things i believed does not exist,
it just does not exist in you, not yet.
i still have faith in the things in life that are incredibly precious and unbelievably hard to find,
and i definitely won't find them in you, not at this point of time in your life,
now that i know who you truly are.
as you can see, i don't regard you as hopelessly messed up.
i have faith in you. i have confidence in you that you can do better than this.
so when you're done changing, or when you've decided to finally grow up,
i hope you'll learn a thing or two in life.
one of it is that you can't just play with people's feelings without caring what it'll do to them.
and that when you say you're serious, please understand what it really means to be serious.
i've a whole lot of direct, straightforward comments to you.
but i'm just going to keep them to myself.
i doubt all that i've said here would ever get to you.
so no point wasting my time typing this message long and well elaborated when it's never going to reach you.
besides, you would find whatever i say here now to be revolting.
i can imagine your attitude towards this as you read on.
probably cause of your ego or pride or whatever.
you'll be like: whatever la. let her think what she wants.
and then i'll be perceived as the person who doesn't have a clue what's really going on, and that i am making myself look really dumb and stupid talking 'nonsense that is utterly exaggerated/untrue'. am i right? laughs.
but in any way, i'm not sure if i would be able to witness that change from you, even if you eventually do become who you said you're changing to be.
it won't matter much to me anymore if i'm not there to see all those changes because i'm not pinning any hopes on that.
at least i'm grateful i was there for a brief moment to be there with you in the process of some of the changes.
although i wouldn't be there to see the outcome of all that, i still cherish the opportunity.
please do take care of yourself and all the best in your future endeavours.
p.s. i'm not saying as though i'm perfect. cause i am obviously not. i'm flawed. i'm just ranting here for the sake of getting rid of the remaining feelings of being hurt by all that has happened recently. so that i can stop feeling sad (as you can see, the wave just came crashing into me again randomly) and get back on track!
all right.
i'll be on my way~
gotta fuel up and get ready for an awesome drag race!
the finish line: end of poly year2!
i'm ready to focus now!
chiong ahhh.
happy valentine's day.
so no matter how hard and how many times i step on the accelerator,
the car just...
does
not
move.
no drive.
first paper done. but it was really horribly done.
i didn't study much.
i practically read through the notes instead of really studying it.
and hours before the paper last night,
i still couldn't find the urgency to really sit down to start revising it.
so for the first time, for a long time, i went into the classroom without feeling nervous or desperate for more time to study.
what's worse, i just couldn't bring myself to feel remotely worried for the fact that i barely was able to answer half of the questions on that paper.
it's not that i do not care about my grades now.
it's just that. i ran out of fuel. to be driven by motivation at the moment.
you used to be my source of motivation.
well, one of the sources.
but anyway, the main thing is that you're gone now.
and the more i think about this thing about having someone as their pillar of strength,
the more i find myself so naive.
the things i once believed in were so ridiculously stupid. (more specifically, the ones from you)
it's not that i think these things i believed does not exist,
it just does not exist in you, not yet.
i still have faith in the things in life that are incredibly precious and unbelievably hard to find,
and i definitely won't find them in you, not at this point of time in your life,
now that i know who you truly are.
as you can see, i don't regard you as hopelessly messed up.
i have faith in you. i have confidence in you that you can do better than this.
so when you're done changing, or when you've decided to finally grow up,
i hope you'll learn a thing or two in life.
one of it is that you can't just play with people's feelings without caring what it'll do to them.
and that when you say you're serious, please understand what it really means to be serious.
i've a whole lot of direct, straightforward comments to you.
but i'm just going to keep them to myself.
i doubt all that i've said here would ever get to you.
so no point wasting my time typing this message long and well elaborated when it's never going to reach you.
besides, you would find whatever i say here now to be revolting.
i can imagine your attitude towards this as you read on.
probably cause of your ego or pride or whatever.
you'll be like: whatever la. let her think what she wants.
and then i'll be perceived as the person who doesn't have a clue what's really going on, and that i am making myself look really dumb and stupid talking 'nonsense that is utterly exaggerated/untrue'. am i right? laughs.
but in any way, i'm not sure if i would be able to witness that change from you, even if you eventually do become who you said you're changing to be.
it won't matter much to me anymore if i'm not there to see all those changes because i'm not pinning any hopes on that.
at least i'm grateful i was there for a brief moment to be there with you in the process of some of the changes.
although i wouldn't be there to see the outcome of all that, i still cherish the opportunity.
please do take care of yourself and all the best in your future endeavours.
p.s. i'm not saying as though i'm perfect. cause i am obviously not. i'm flawed. i'm just ranting here for the sake of getting rid of the remaining feelings of being hurt by all that has happened recently. so that i can stop feeling sad (as you can see, the wave just came crashing into me again randomly) and get back on track!
all right.
i'll be on my way~
gotta fuel up and get ready for an awesome drag race!
the finish line: end of poly year2!
i'm ready to focus now!
chiong ahhh.
happy valentine's day.
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