at last, some time for myself.
not working for this entire work.
dedicating the week for fyp.
done with it for the day so i can afford to put some time for blogging finally.

slightly over half a year has passed.
and what a roller coaster ride it has been.

-takes a deep breath-

i have had really poor judgements this year.
the decisions i've made are beginning to backfire me real badly.
what's worse, i no longer have that drive to follow through everything properly.
at one point of time, i just wanted to drop every responsibility i have.
and i did, which is why i'm struggling to pick everything up again.
like a person who has thrown a stack of organised documents up in the air,
i now have to pick them all up from the floor and sort out the mess i have created myself.
to add on to that, people are getting frustrated and disappointed about my lack of performance.
i just don't meet the expectations.

sigh.
maybe i should let go of the past.
cause i'd never fail to think of the hurt i went through for my start of 2011.
yes i admit, it just surfaces in my mind at times.
and all the what ifs and whys just keep coming.
but this is no way to live, i know that.
yet, why can't i stop thinking about it still.

maybe i should make my choice soon.
i should let go of something to prevent any further loses of the more important things in life.
i have to.
i'm not good enough to keep everything altogether, so i have to let some go.
it's the right thing to do, is it? both ways seem selfish to me.
damn, there's so many reasons for me to end it, but i don't know what's making me hold on to it still.
i just can't explain what is it. i just know i should hang onto it.

i have no regrets.

i hope i have the strength and courage to go through this to the end of the year.


hmmm.
after so long, time to myself seems so precious.
i need more of it, because there's so much more to reflect about.
there's so much more i've yet to realise.
over the past few months, i've been so busy that i failed to see the more important things in life.
thus, all that i've done over this period has been a failure.
because i did not learn or grow or improve after going through each and every one of the things.
sigh.
i guess i should start on my work now.
till we meet again.