it feels better...
when we have no expectations.
when we stop trying to find ways to be happy.
that's when a sense of relief seem to be of reach.
to achieve what was sought is no longer the solution that we would have thought.

on a random note,
it's time to accept the fact that we are seriously getting older, much much older.
(this blog is like 8 years old?!)
pushing our bodies like we are young teenagers is totally beyond my years now.
recovering from a flu takes forever.
sleep deprivation actually takes a significant toll on the body now.
getting my first ever hangover only just recently is probably the worst feeling that I never want to experience again.
freckles actually do appear on post-sunburn skin.
and a withering spine it seems, that costs a crapload of unnecessary money which couldn't have fixed the damage done in any case.
oh wells. just ranting. regardless, all that we can do now is to suck thumb and cope with our increasingly frail bodies.

and i'm off to revision. as usual, only blogging during such depressing exam periods.

so, hope everyone out there is doing fine. do take care of yourselves!

i'm unsure of what to do now.

don't want to do any more of these.

it sucks to be stabbed in the back.

i still don't get it. 

but i guess i'll never know the answer from you.

i've faced this before. i should know better.

i should be more than okay to deal with this.

yet. everywhere i go now, whenever i'm out in the open,

i feel as though someone's about to attack me from the back.

i get paranoid, but i don't want to show it.

there's this little anxiety i still feel since then.

like every act and every word has been scrutinised by everyone.

and i get nervous, skeptical and uncertain all at the same time.

my mind races with so many questions

and i know i'm getting a little too crazy.

i need to grow up.

these problems aren't huge.

i need to stop hiding. i should be all better now.

but i'm afraid i have lost it.

because i don't know how to carry on.

and before the current commitment ends, a new one on the other side has just begun for me.

and so, here we go again. 

yet another chance to be blindsided.

the wounds are still fresh.

but there's no time to rest - to heal those silly hurt.

sigh.

can't seem to stop this train.

can't seem to get off it.

hoping so much that i won't have to meet another trainwreck.

waiting to reach my last station and walk away.

it's my turn to share my side of the story. i'm not the kind that will post long messages for all the see. but this time, i'll share these feelings suppressed inside of me. i'm not angry. i just feel hurt. i wished that you had told me what had been upsetting you personally instead of hearing it from others. it seems like i was the last to know when it concerns me the most. i'm not someone who is able to express myself with the right words. i'm sorry that such a misunderstanding had occurred. i don't need anyone to take my side. i'm just sorry that i failed to support you as your partner. i gave what i could but it was not enough. yes, i admit i was never someone great and i apologise for every terrible thing that you had to go through. i'll understand if i lose everyone around me. i deserve it. i've no excuse. i was nothing but a disappointment. p.s. i had a dream last night. we hugged it out and cried, and all the misunderstandings were resolved instantly. but perhaps dreams just stay as dreams.

Do I expect too much?

Have I been too naive?

I feel betrayed. by more than one.

As if it was never real.

What are the motives behind every action that one does?

When you look around you now,

what do you see?

How do you distinguish the truth from the lies.

It's a hostile environment here, disguised as paradise.

Is it time then, to move on from this particular place?

It's time to go back to the ones that truly matter in your life.

perhaps people don't realise it - we are humans too.
perhaps people don't realise it - we make mistakes too.
it's as though people expect us to be all that different with this responsibility we bear.
like as if super powers have bestowed upon us, and given us strength to handle impossibilities.
we do feel the same way everyone else feels, too.
we can feel tired and burnt out too.
yet, we are not allowed to show it, not even the slightest expression of it.
we are at the mercy of everyone's scrutiny.

all the time, i've been wondering if anyone had noticed i'd want none of this.
yes, i signed up for it.
but, all i yearn for is a simple life now.
perhaps i should have stuck to my stand, and said no.
so, does this mean i regret these decisions?
it doesn't matter what the answer is,
i just want it to be over.

"... when and how do you point out mistakes, misconduct? One principle can surely guide us here: don't blame for the sake of blaming, make what you have to say accomplish something; say it in that form, at that time, under those circumstances, which will make it a real education..."

mugging randomly with a known fact that i can't finish all topics.