the 4 full days of training was... just really indescribable.
estimated 12 hours in hta everyday.
so much things were going in my head.

like i said, it comes in waves.
one minute i feel fine,
the next i'm feeling the wrath of it all.

when the final training of the year ended yesterday,
reality reared its ugly head again,
and i knew i said it's fine,
but i can't help but feel the immense pain as i witness it happening right before me.
i should never have let my guard down, and went unprotected.
because i became vulnerable,
and thus, i allowed this to strike me in the heart so easily.
i let you into my heart,
you stayed there for a while,
then you created havoc there,
and you left, leaving behind a mess- your destruction.

so, it's the end of 2010.
looking back from the first training of the year all the way to the end,
so much has changed.
i never thought things can ever turn out this way.
if you were to tell me at the start of 2010 that things were going to become like this right now,
i would have laughed and find it amusing.
but it did. it did happen and it's not funny.
it's freaking heartwrenching.
but today morning, i tried to fight it,
and i think i'm getting better now because it didnt hurt so much,
or that i may be already too numbed by now.
either way, i thank all my friends for being there for me,
it's definitely them which is helping me get better.
i really appreciate everyone's support, care and concern.

oh wells.
happy new year everyone.

"the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good and starts to hurt."

- grey's anatomy season 4 (episode 2)


. was like a drug to me, i was addicted, hooked, dependent to it.
and now, i'm going through the withdrawls that comes with its disappearance in my life.
it seems almost too hard for me to get by to the end of each passing day.
i can't do my work. and i know it's due very soon.
i can't eat my meals without having difficulties in swallowing every bite.
and i know that my body needs the food, but i just cant find the appetite to eat any more than a few mouthfuls.
i can't sleep without waking up in the middle of the night to check if things have changed overnight, with the hope that you have changed your mind, or that this has all just been a bad dream.
and i know that i need my rest, but i just can't seem to fall back into sleep once i wake up. because the emptiness is so overwhelming, i just can't seem to calm down my panicked heart.
but here i am, exhausted, at the end of the week.
nevertheless, i survived.
without this addiction of . , i know my life is going to be so, so, so much more healthier, as soon as i get over all these withdrawl symptoms.
i just have to believe that's how it's going to be.

it's just unbelievably painful, you know?
never thought i would experience this.

dont worry, i'm just using a metaphor. i'm not referring to a real drug or glue-sniffing or whatever.


i'm getting better now.
i just need to be patient. cause time will heal this.
(:

there's a saying... the girl always knows.


knowing is one thing,
confirming is another.
without the confirmation of what we think it may be,
we'd sometimes like to think that we're thinking too much, or being oversensitive, or that our assumptions are flawed.
and at other times, we're pretty sure we're right but we choose to live in self-denial, thinking that what we know are all wrong.
but most of the time,
at the end of the day, we still would like to hear the truth from the people themselves, to confirm everything that we may know.
we have the right to the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
so that there's no need to allow for people to spend most of their time wondering and doubting and trying to figure out things that they'll never know without the truth that you withhold from them.

and i know that i may never know the truth to this,
in which, i have to painfully accept the fact we may not always know the reason behind everything.

all that's left to do now is to just... let go.

time and tide.
tide and time.

you find yourself choking, drowning.

when, like the pulling back of the water,
you'd feel a sense of relief, at some point of time, as you thought to yourself it was all over.
you thought to yourself: it's going to be okay now.

and then, like another wave that hits you just as you get back on your feet,
you'd feel as though you're falling apart all over again.
you'd feel the force of pain and agony, the devestation once more.

the next thing you know, the water draws back once again.

and it goes on.

but,

i know that with time, i'm gonna find back that strength to pick myself up, and run as far up into land as possible, before the water hits me again.
when that happens, i'd be standing safe on high land that overlooks the ocean, and i'd know that: this time, it's over for sure.

"it comes in waves... there's a lull and then another wave hits you."

resolution.
i no longer know what to expect in 2011.

i just can't believe it.

sometimes, i wish that you'd just fight for this.


damn it, is it really so hard?
isnt this worthy for you to fight than to just give up?
too busy? too many other problems surfacing all the time? too lazy?
too tired? can't be bothered?
excuses after excuses.
you're not the only who's busy. you're not the only who has other problems to settle.
if it's really this important to you, no matter how busy, you'll put in the effort to make time.
i've been waiting for so long already.
it's not just today, or yesterday. it's been for too long.
keeping quiet doesnt mean it does not exist.
hoping that you'd stop sweeping every problem under the carpet and pretending it never did happen.
wondering when you'd take the initiative to solve things for once.
i was just waiting.






but it looks like it's all in vain.










my final initiative; to solve the last problem we'll ever have.










and although the answer may lay before us now,
i still hope for it to change.
still awaiting for you to take the initiative.
i'm done being the one making the first moves in situations.

sigh. why bother blogging it here? it's not like it'll ever be made known.
lately, this blog had become a final resting place to my heartfelt problems.
it's the only place that will always be there for me to confide in.
after all, i dont want to waste other people's time in my rants.
i'm not worthy of your time.