i'm extremely vexed about this particular line of issues.
it's really pressurizing.
like what someone told me right from the start, when you take this up,
you'll need to learn how to strike a balance with school, work, cca and a life.

yes, life.
i haven't gotten to hang out with my friends as much.
i'm not blaming work, really, cause i do love what i do there.
it's just that i've been the one missing in action for many occasions lately;
that i've been that one person who is. just. not. there.

i miss the people i've spent one of the best years of my life with.
although they have all been so understanding, i feel like i've let them down terribly.
i miss emo clique.
i miss my squadmates and juniors.
the simple joys we share.
i really hope my next holidays would give me more time to meet up.

but in order for holidays to come, i must get through the 5th semester's exams,
which is a really important exam as it is partially my final sprint.
and the thing is, i'm not ready for it at all.

and i haven't even gotten to spend time with both sides of the family.
cause i'd either be sleeping, working or rushing my tutorials when they are home,
or they'd be sleeping when i'm awake and free.

sigh.
i feel so tired that i can't even find the right words to describe how i'm feeling lately.



if only you knew how this feels.
but this time, i know, you wouldn't know.

at last, some time for myself.
not working for this entire work.
dedicating the week for fyp.
done with it for the day so i can afford to put some time for blogging finally.

slightly over half a year has passed.
and what a roller coaster ride it has been.

-takes a deep breath-

i have had really poor judgements this year.
the decisions i've made are beginning to backfire me real badly.
what's worse, i no longer have that drive to follow through everything properly.
at one point of time, i just wanted to drop every responsibility i have.
and i did, which is why i'm struggling to pick everything up again.
like a person who has thrown a stack of organised documents up in the air,
i now have to pick them all up from the floor and sort out the mess i have created myself.
to add on to that, people are getting frustrated and disappointed about my lack of performance.
i just don't meet the expectations.

sigh.
maybe i should let go of the past.
cause i'd never fail to think of the hurt i went through for my start of 2011.
yes i admit, it just surfaces in my mind at times.
and all the what ifs and whys just keep coming.
but this is no way to live, i know that.
yet, why can't i stop thinking about it still.

maybe i should make my choice soon.
i should let go of something to prevent any further loses of the more important things in life.
i have to.
i'm not good enough to keep everything altogether, so i have to let some go.
it's the right thing to do, is it? both ways seem selfish to me.
damn, there's so many reasons for me to end it, but i don't know what's making me hold on to it still.
i just can't explain what is it. i just know i should hang onto it.

i have no regrets.

i hope i have the strength and courage to go through this to the end of the year.


hmmm.
after so long, time to myself seems so precious.
i need more of it, because there's so much more to reflect about.
there's so much more i've yet to realise.
over the past few months, i've been so busy that i failed to see the more important things in life.
thus, all that i've done over this period has been a failure.
because i did not learn or grow or improve after going through each and every one of the things.
sigh.
i guess i should start on my work now.
till we meet again.

i just don't have the answer for you.
when you are actually sincere in asking me what's wrong, i'll tell you.
but saying things like that is how you really wish to show how much i mean to you,
then you shouldn't be bothered asking.
i'm not worthy to be a friend to care about.
i know now so i'm just going to leave so that i wouldnt be a burden to any of you.
i promise i won't be an irritant to you all.
i'm sorry things had turned out this way.

i'm not good.
and i'll accept everything that you have said about me.
perhaps it's true, i'm that horrible monster you have described me to be.
it's a great wake up call, honestly.

i know this post may potentially make things worse,
so i'll understand if you decide to hate me after all these.



everything just seems to be firing at me at all sides.
i can't take it.
i've got to let it out somewhere.
there's really a list of things that's bothering me.
i just needed to say it here, the most hurtful one of all.
i know not many would read here anyway.
and after this, i'm not going to talk about it much anymore.
i shall put this matter to rest.
there's no point explaining myself.
cause the rest of it shall not matter.



-------------------------------------------------------
to my loved ones,

i sincerely apologise for letting you down.
i'm truly sorry for hurting you.
i really don't know what to do.
just give me some more time to make it up to you.
i know you are disappointed at me, but i'm not giving up on our friendship.
i wont, because people like you deserve to be cherished for a lifetime.
although many times i feel as though i'm undeserving of such great people, i'm still thankful for having them in my life.
really truly grateful.



sigh.


i just wish for the earth to stop spinning.
i just wish for time to stop.




so close,
it's a shame i'd let all that i've once held so tight slip away at this near end point.
my goals, my dreams, my second chance.

finally, the holidays are here.


i'm just going to update what i have been doing and will be doing at this period of time.
(trying to keep track of my life since this blog has somewhat become a timeline of happenings in my life)


what i did the past 10 days:

1) MICE Presentation (Friday)
handicapped group. it was really tedious. only had 1 week to complete it while other classes had 2 weeks to do it. also the only group to have 4 people. but i'm grateful we survived it. slept only 3 hours the night before.

2) Cadet Leader Camp (Friday - Saturday)
because of MICE presentation, barely had time to prepare full u and lesson plans. and there were multiple sets of clothes + shoes/boots to bring to school along with my laptop cause i had to rush from SP to SJC. oh wells. Camp went all right. don't wanna elaborate much here. slept 2 hours that friday night. left earlier in the afternoon. went home to bathe and caught some sleep before starting the midnight mugging session (elaborated in the next point)

3) Officially the start of intense mugging (Sunday)
Overnight mugging at airport. in which i ended up sleeping (& drooling on my notes seriously) 3 hours out of the 7 hours there. lol.

4) 5 module papers (Monday - Friday)
worst mid-semester test ever. serious. and because i had only begun mugging for my papers a day before each module, i had really bad sleeping hours & patterns.

5) 3 day/night work shifts (Friday - Sunday)
on the very day we ended our mst, went off to work after having lunch with clique. kinda dead tired for friday and saturday night shifts. to sum up, it's a rollercoaster ride whenever i work. ups and downs in every shift.


and now, the start of yet another busy week.


list of things i'm going to do this 5 weeks:
1) Errandssssssssssssssssssssssssss
2) Final Year Project meetings & assignments
3) Workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
4) Gatherings with Primary school, Secondary school (squadmates & emos), Poly, SYF people
5) Kayaking at ATC(s)
6) Area 7 ATC/STC Recee & IPC
7) Helping out in LMSC
8) Unit Camp
9) Execution of Area 7 ATC/STC 2011
10) Drill competiton preparations (hopefully can find time to go down help)


that's all i can think of for now.
hmmm. it's past 3 in the morning.
less than 5 hours of sleeping left. sad.
pretty dead tired from the past 3 day/night of workshifts.

oh wells.
goodnight people.

what's the matter with......
sometimes i don't know how to deal with all that.
really, i can't handle all these at once.

i don't know how i would be able to go through this period of time without the help of a few great people in my life.
i must think of something to show my appreciation to have them in my life.
i shall find time this holidays to do so.

i would type more but i shouldn't.
cause i still have 4 more papers to go.
and i'll continue after my last paper.
i just needed to pen down those few thoughts first.

i think it's better that i go back to my old self back when i was in year1.
i feel that i've grown into an utterly disappointing person over the months.

sigh.

patience, jolene, patience.

it's getting a little bit harder to juggle with school, work, friends and cca.
i have 7 days a week. (duh)
every week, 5 days of school with 3 day/night of work shifts.
my weekday can often stretch from 8.30am to 12.30am (of the next day).
reaching home and settling down at almost 2am, i would seem be too restless to do my homework (if there is any pending)
and there can be lessons to catch the next morning too.
npcc stuff is climbing to its peak now.
but i haven't been doing alot and contributing as much as i used to.
i also have a few other miscelleneous things that need commitment as well.
and lately, i've been depending on others to pick up my slack,
which i feel odd allowing that.

i'm not complaining.
just wanna describe my new found lifestyle in year3 of poly life.
but i gotta pick up my pace now.
i really should stop being lazy. really, i have been nothing but plain L-A-Z-Y.
seriously jolene, you should start to see through your priorities in life.
you set it, you show it.