i'm exhausted.

i feel like fading out,
perhaps what i've always suspected had been right all this time,
that i'm not paranoid whenever i feel that my presence is nothing but a nuisance.

perhaps the reason for me feeling nostalgic this holidays, like
having the urge to dig out my gameboy to play pokemon yellow,
or watching old favourite shows of the distant past,
or drifting out in the midst of something to relive the best years of our lives in my head,
was because i'm missing this simplicity of life back then.
even the simplest of things now could remind me of such bittersweet memories.
i wonder if the rest have long moved on and left these memories behind.

let's hide away in a place, far from the crowd,
where no one else can find us,
where we can be ourselves because there's no need to care about any particular 'image' we have to uphold,
or expectations to meet,
where people won't judge you for who you are,
knowing that no matter how crazy we may be at times,
or how annoyimg we may be,
we still love each other.

genuine friendships.
just can't explain the happiness found with them around,
all i know i believe that the smiles and tears have been true.

It's almost a year since a decent post.

Life has been so so hectic,
so much so that I didn't have really much time for myself to just sit down to clear my thoughts, do nothing and just think about life.
Right now, my head is just full of worries. Lots of them.

So,
what has happened between April 2012 to April 2013?
hmmm... there's so many activities i can think of right now.
but if i were to list down the major changes in my life...
there's only 2 main things i can think offhand...

New phase in life:

(i) Getting into NTU!
FINALLY.
it has been a long journey.
15 years of formal education now...
feeling a little worn out from studying
(although i play just as much, or even more)
at the same time, appreciating my parents' efforts to support my studies.
to take care of me while i study...
i am looking forward to earning a proper income to support my parents.
and to let them take a break to enjoy what they have 'invested' in me.

(ii) Joined back NPCC as an Honorary Officer
SHOCKING RIGHT!!
i surprised myself seriously.
got no clue why i changed my mind at the very last minute to accept it.
i hope i don't regret it. and live up to the role.
but so far, it has been a terribly scary challenge.
i dare say i'm not doing well.

struggling so much in life.
but i dare not break down.
life has been moving too fast, so fast that i'm afraid if i ever stop for just a moment,
i may not be able to catch up.

so, why am i blogging now after so long.
it's exams period soon.
once again, finding inspiration to rant at such timings.
i've been wanting to blog on so many occasions.
running thoughts in my head and putting them behind halfway through
to tend to never-ending line of matters.

i have had many many happy moments.
i have done things i thought i'd never do,
i've changed too.

what i miss in life now are
the times where i can just spend with my friends watching the sun set or rise,
or star gazing and smelling the sea breeze and enjoying each other's presence.
just us, no one else, in our little corners of space.

we have all grown up.
but all i want to do is to stay in our sjc days,
which i still do, replaying those times, in my head.

off to rush my assignments now.
bye world.

my mind is blank.

it's only been a week since i'm jobless/schooless.
(not considering the week before when i was in japan)
yet! it's already so depressing, for so many reasons.

but anyway, my mother insists that i should work at her place.
i really don't want to be working 6 days work week because all i want to do is to chill before i start the next phase of my life in this early 20's -
getting through uni education and building our career for the rest of our lives;
assuming that it is quite unlikely that i'd be retiring anywhere near in the decades to come...
sigh. so the point is, i want to enjoy life in this period of my life,
yet it'd be great if i have an income to enjoy it with...
whatever it is, time is of the essence.
and i'm really reluctant to do more than 4 days work week at the moment.
it's my only time i'm left with to enjoy. my youthful years are limited now...
would really love some time for my loved ones as well as a little bit for myself.
wanna just live a little carefree life, like those yesteryears indeed.


dear iryani,
i'll date you soon all right.
p.s. what's a pothead???

i haven't met up with quite a lot of people.
i hope they are doing well in life.


anyway,
i came to realize there are so much that i'll have to leave this year.

1) Singapore Poly
Even though it's mostly feelings of reluctance to go classes and all,
it's where i've spent the last 3 years, filled with great times and times of frustration. i'm honestly glad to be able to learn and gain so much invaluable experiences that i may not have the chance to in future, as well as having met such wonderful people who i can count on as friends. so thank you, SP, for letting me study here.

2) Part Time Job
On days that i'm not schooling, you can most probably find me there. i do love being there. the drinks, the job, the people, and the person are the reasons that i admit made me love this more than i thought i would. but i'm leaving prematurely, after a year of juggling (or rather struggling at times) with school and work. although hesitant, i know it's for the better, somehow...

3) NPCC
8 years. it's like a huge part of me. it feels as though i grew up there. this 'family' will always be the bittersweet memories of my life. the previous attempts of me letting go had proved to be futile, but after much that have gone by, i feel further from it, more than ever- more ready to leave. i do miss it so much, and perhaps it's because of this odd love for it that's making it so hard for me to leave after all these years when so many have long left the corps by then. but my decision to leave this commitment would definitely not be because of fading feelings for it i assure you though, because it's not fading, just simply time. it's time to move on. there's really so much emotions that i'm feeling right now, but all i can say is the gratitude i have towards it for absolutely everything. i'll still always be a part of it i know, but it'll be different as we all grow older.

so after all that's being said and done, i will miss them all. it really saddens me that i'm leaving these all at once, because they have become a part of me. some, more than others. in any way, they have made me who i am now. these places are where i know who i am there. nevertheless, thank you, for every opportunity for me to learn and grow. they have provided me a sense of belonging, in which gives me the comfort in life.


it ain't about giving up.
this is about letting go,
so as to allow self to embrace another aspect of life you never thought you'd let into your life.
as what has been said so many times,
when one door closes, another door opens.

hello 2012.

why have you been so hard to get by.

do you know that despite being barely halfway through the year,

it is unbelievable to look back at the number of times that we have cried.

and there is also this emptiness that seems to eat us alive.