ranting in this hour.

sometimes i wonder why should we withhold what's on our mind.

the silence has begun to wear me down. 

expectations.
supposedly non-existent for certain matters, yet apparently not the case.

then, there are those that are driven into us as we come of age. 

and as the years go by, these expectations grow higher, while responsibilities grow heavier.

it's 2016. 

it has come to a point where things we once cared about are no longer a priority.

we begin to selectively plan how we'd spend our limited time and energy.

things that had never come across our minds before as a possibility has somehow become a surrealistic reality - a cruel joke it seems. 

it's fyp season.

on hindsight, amidst my complaints here, i am grateful for the many things in life, and most importantly, the people in it.

i hate the way i've been feeling lately.
i am frustrated.
spending countless nights straightening out these thoughts.
but no matter what i keep telling myself,
it just keeps going back to square one.
i feel as though i am lying to myself.
i really hate being this way.
and then i realise,
it's because i was never good enough for anyone.
to know what's right and what's wrong,
and to do the right thing after figuring that out,
can be something incredibly difficult to follow through.

recently, i've been spewing a whole lot of vulgarities.
using expletives that i once disapprove of others doing.
i've changed.

what the hell is wrong with me.

i miss my bestfriend.

i've disappeared from here for quite a while.

i shall type this post quick.

people say i'm a pessimist.
i'd be proud being an 'emo' as what they say.
but lately, 'bad' thoughts were lost as quick as they arise.
i made an effort to clear those thoughts that were deemed undesirable.

but. what is considered a bad thought.
i wouldn't say optimism is something that we should embody throughout.

afterall, we'd practiced/trained preparing for a worst-case scenario, a contingency plan.
acknowledging the fact that optimism may not always be the better value to hold onto,

i have a habit.
i'd rewatch shows that i love and cherish, and still enjoy the moments in them, despite knowing what had already happened.
could it be that i love living in the past?
damn, how i wish i know how to articulate my thoughts.
but i no longer know how to. or perhaps just something that's not welcomed there.
keeping most of the things unexpressed, avoided.

back to the days where non-happy thoughts had been appreciated.
where we thrive in negativity it seems.

how funny does it sound when i ask this:
am i happy being happy?

it feels better...
when we have no expectations.
when we stop trying to find ways to be happy.
that's when a sense of relief seem to be of reach.
to achieve what was sought is no longer the solution that we would have thought.

on a random note,
it's time to accept the fact that we are seriously getting older, much much older.
(this blog is like 8 years old?!)
pushing our bodies like we are young teenagers is totally beyond my years now.
recovering from a flu takes forever.
sleep deprivation actually takes a significant toll on the body now.
getting my first ever hangover only just recently is probably the worst feeling that I never want to experience again.
freckles actually do appear on post-sunburn skin.
and a withering spine it seems, that costs a crapload of unnecessary money which couldn't have fixed the damage done in any case.
oh wells. just ranting. regardless, all that we can do now is to suck thumb and cope with our increasingly frail bodies.

and i'm off to revision. as usual, only blogging during such depressing exam periods.

so, hope everyone out there is doing fine. do take care of yourselves!

i'm unsure of what to do now.

don't want to do any more of these.

it sucks to be stabbed in the back.

i still don't get it. 

but i guess i'll never know the answer from you.

i've faced this before. i should know better.

i should be more than okay to deal with this.

yet. everywhere i go now, whenever i'm out in the open,

i feel as though someone's about to attack me from the back.

i get paranoid, but i don't want to show it.

there's this little anxiety i still feel since then.

like every act and every word has been scrutinised by everyone.

and i get nervous, skeptical and uncertain all at the same time.

my mind races with so many questions

and i know i'm getting a little too crazy.

i need to grow up.

these problems aren't huge.

i need to stop hiding. i should be all better now.

but i'm afraid i have lost it.

because i don't know how to carry on.

and before the current commitment ends, a new one on the other side has just begun for me.

and so, here we go again. 

yet another chance to be blindsided.

the wounds are still fresh.

but there's no time to rest - to heal those silly hurt.

sigh.

can't seem to stop this train.

can't seem to get off it.

hoping so much that i won't have to meet another trainwreck.

waiting to reach my last station and walk away.

it's my turn to share my side of the story. i'm not the kind that will post long messages for all the see. but this time, i'll share these feelings suppressed inside of me. i'm not angry. i just feel hurt. i wished that you had told me what had been upsetting you personally instead of hearing it from others. it seems like i was the last to know when it concerns me the most. i'm not someone who is able to express myself with the right words. i'm sorry that such a misunderstanding had occurred. i don't need anyone to take my side. i'm just sorry that i failed to support you as your partner. i gave what i could but it was not enough. yes, i admit i was never someone great and i apologise for every terrible thing that you had to go through. i'll understand if i lose everyone around me. i deserve it. i've no excuse. i was nothing but a disappointment. p.s. i had a dream last night. we hugged it out and cried, and all the misunderstandings were resolved instantly. but perhaps dreams just stay as dreams.